Wednesday, June 22, 2016

John was always so proud of me

Yesterday I read a letter from a “romance” writer to Dear Abby. In it, she complained about her husband who was jealous about her writing because he thought she was writing about past lovers.
What a moron!
Instead of being proud of her accomplishments, he reduced it to being all about him, to the point that she referred to her writing [several books!] as a "hobby".
I am so lucky to have had John in my corner all the time and encouraging me. I still remember him  telling me to add “more sex” to one of my books. He was so cute.
And he was like that with my nursing career, too.
I recall one person asked John [when I was Head Nurse and he was a staff nurse on a different unit] how he felt that his wife was earning more money than he was. John's response was wonderful: "I'm glad it's MY wife."
Thank you for being you, John, and for loving me and for being my biggest cheerleader.



Sunday, June 19, 2016

Happy Fathers Day, Sweetheart!

You were the best fur-Dad ever! I loved our family and how you took such good care of all of us. Miss you so much.

Monday, June 13, 2016

Dreams

I woke up feeling so happy this morning. It lasted for several seconds. In fact, I couldn't understand why I was feeling the way I did. The feeling was foreign yet familiar.
Foreign because I haven't felt that way in a long time. Familiar because that was the way I woke up every day for over 30 years.
It was that old feeling that all was right with the world. It was a feeling of comfort.
Then I remembered what I had been dreaming just before waking up.
I was dreaming of John and home. The dream was silly by waking standards. It was full of mismatched shoes and the cats being funny. But John had been in the dream and the setting was here, in this house, and it was everyday stuff and it was normal. We had been talking and laughing and it had felt so good.
And it was that good feeling that lingered in those first few seconds of waking up.
And then I realized the truth.
John isn't here.
Nothing is familiar and nothing is normal.
Oh, but those seconds had felt so good.
And I'm grateful to have had that, even in dreams.
It reminds me of how good I had it.
And how good I will have it again when we are reunited.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

My parents' 70th wedding anniversary

Today would have been my parents' 70th wedding anniversary. Or should I say, it IS my parents' 70th wedding anniversary.
But my father passed away in 2014 so they can not celebrate it together.
Yet, they had over 68 years together as husband and wife.
What I would have given for that gift. What a blessing to share that much time together on this Earth.
I treasure what I did have and I know it was happy and special.
But I can't help but wonder what that would feel like.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Six years today

Six years ago, early in the morning, I woke up to find my world shattered, never to be the same ever again.
The years drift by and I can only focus on being with you again.
I love you, John, and I miss you so much.


Monday, May 16, 2016

A comforting Hello

I was injured on Saturday. The details are not important and it was nothing life-threatening although it was potentially damaging and very hurtful at the time.
My point is I was feeling very vulnerable and alone. And wishing John were with me.
But I wasn't. I had to soldier on alone. As I drove back home, trying to keep it together so that I could just get myself and Bella back into the house, I prayed.
Then I happened to look over at the digital clock on my dashboard.
It read 4:43. That is John's birth month and year. He often has that pop up when he wants to say hello to me. It happens far too often to be just a coincidence.
So I knew in that moment that he was telling me I wasn't alone, that he was there, that he loved me and I was going to be okay. He was with me.
I was still hurting but my heart was lifted and that made a big difference.
In 8 days it will be 6 years since John passed. It's still hard and I still feel sad but these little Hello's keep me going.
Thank you, John. I love you.