Thursday, October 30, 2014

Grief surge

I was searching in the glove compartment of my car this morming and came across John's hairbrush. It was the one he used to keep in the console between the front seats in his car and after I donated his car I kept that momento in my car so that I would always have something of him with me. I had forgotten it was there and seeing it just grabbed me.
I took it out and held it. I looked it over very carefully. I could see hairs still imbedded in the bristles. Red hair. His hair. Reminders that he existed. That he held this brush that I now held. That it was close to him. That it touched him as I now touched it.
Words can't describe how I felt, what it meant to hold such an intimate possession of his.
And yes, I cried. It made me sad. Missing and mourning John is going to be a lifelong process. I know that. I accept that. It is never going to be okay.
I am able to go about my business. I accomplish things. I function.
But it will never be the same as it was. There will never be a person who holds me in his heart all day long the way John did. I will never mean to anyone else what I meant to him.
And I don't mean I want someone else. I don't.
John was Home to me, my constant in life. I carried his love and care in my heart with me no matter where I went and what I did. There was the contstant comfort knowing he was alive in my world even when we were apart.
And now that is no more.
I know John is still with me. He has sent me signs just this week, just yesterday and I cherish those.
But it is not the same and I miss what we had.
My only comfort is knowing I will be with him again and then all this sadness will be over.

Friday, October 24, 2014

More hello's from John

John has been working overtime letting me know that he is around me and it makes me feel so good to know that.
I saw something on the deck last week that was unmistakable but for the sake of privacy I am going to keep it under wraps because it is going in my book. But it has been probably one of the strongest signs yet.
And then this week John played a song on my car computer [via Amazon Music] that was NOT downloaded to my iPhone so there was no way that the bluetooth could have intervened.
But there it was. It was the song "I'll Be Seeing You" by Billie Holiday from the soundtrack from the movie The Notebook. And yes, I just wrote about that movie and how it made me feel and that is why it was so poignant and special to have this song play the very next day. It was as if John knew I had watched the movie and blogged about it.
No, it wasn't as if. He was telling me he knew.
And I believe it.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

The best love

“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me. That's what I'd hoped to give you forever.” Noah from The Notebook
Nicholas Sparks

I watched The Notebook today, probably my favorite movie. For some reason the story makes me think of me and John. I think Ryan Gosling even looks like John a little [especially with the beard]. Maybe it's the strength and depth of the love of the two main characters. It makes me sad but it makes me happy too. I am lucky to have had what I had with John and nothing can change that. I was [and am] loved by a wonderful, sweet, and special man.

Friday, October 17, 2014

My home

I have always said John was/is my home. I have been bereft since he passed.
Looking forward to being Home with him again.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Scripted jewelry

Yesterday a dear friend sent me a link to an Etsy shop. Caroline the owner makes beautiful jewelry from the scripted notes of loved ones.
Scripted Jewelry 
Mauri, my friend, said as soon as she saw this shop she thought of me because she knew I would love to be able to wear something that had John's handwriting on it.
She's right.
I ordered a necklace with a heart-shaped pendant. And I submitted this note to be engraved.

 After John passed I found this note written on a post-it note. It was in my bedside end table drawer. I have no recollection of when John gave me this note or what the occasion might have been but he was always doing things like that. I'm so gald I saved the note. Every so often I take it out and look at it. It's a wonderful reminder of the love we shared.
And now I will have that note to wear. I can't wait to received this and I am so glad Mauri saw this and thought of me.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Here's my sign

There's a comedian who likes to point out the stupidity of some people and his punch line is "Here's your sign".
Well, since John has passed he has given me many signs but they are not for stupidity. They show me that he is still around and loving me.
Like yesterday.
I was out running errands in Scottsdale and decided on the way home to go to Costco to get some needed items.
And as I always do when I am driving, I was thinking about John. And feeling sad and missing him.
So I pulled into the parking lot and saw a spot I wanted. But a gentleman was loading his purchases into his car and his door was protruding into the space so I moved on.
And then I spied another spot I thought would be good. As I neared it I knew it was the spot meant for me and John was also saying Hello.
Parked next to the open parking spot was a truck and this was on its side.
Thank you, John. I love you.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

So true

Searching for You

Lord, hear my heartfelt soul's lament,
I fear my tears will never be spent,
Aching, soul-deep despair and sorrow,
It’s so hard to care about tomorrow.
True agony of the soul,
What now will be my goal?
No longer will there be,
The plans and dreams I hoped to see.
I still look for you each day,
How could you have passed away?
I look for you in the house and yard,
Nothing I could imagine would be this hard.
Without the sense that you are here,
Only in a different sphere,
The pain would be much too deep,
For my soul to ever keep.
Stay always by my side,
A loving, helpful spirit guide,
And when my time here has passed,
Together we will be at last.
Copyright © C.A. Stevenson 2009