Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Big Mother

Came across this picture a couple of days ago. It's a 1939 Pontiac.
It's a beautiful car. John and I had our first date in a car like this. John nicknamed his car "Big Mother". I developed a love of antique cars from John. As long as I knew him, John always had a car he was working on - antique Mercedes, Austin Healys... To this day whenever I see a beautiful old car drive by I stop and look and admire and feel that I am sharing that moment with John.
We had many happy adventures in Big Mother and she always got us home.

Saturday, December 3, 2016


The dryer broke yesterday.
Don't know what's wrong with it. Possibly the thermostat. Maybe something else.
All I know is it no longer heats up and for a dryer that makes it pretty much a useless piece of equipment. The repairman I was referred to won't be back in his office until 12/12. So, I will wash very few clothes in the next two weeks and use the hanging dryer in the bathtub when I need to.
It's not the end of the world but it's one more reminder that I am on my own.
If John were here he would have the problem solved one way or the other in no time.
Sometimes, I get so tired of being on my own, alone, without my best friend here to share life's ups and downs with.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Thanksgiving memories

I am grateful for the life we shared here on Earth and the love we still share, now and always.
Our first Thanksgiving dinner   

Thursday, November 10, 2016

40 years ago today

Forty years ago today I walked into a conference room and my life changed forever.
That day - November 10, 1976 - I was the new nurse at a day treatment center in Wilkes Barre PA. John was a therapist there.We didn't speak that day but I remember noticing him from across the room.
How could I not? 6'4 ", lean, handsome, long red hair, red beard, beautiful smile.
John told me years later he asked the man sitting next to him who I was, too. Back then I had hair halfway down my back and John said he asked  "Who's the girl with the hair?"
Gradually we became friends and then years later, a couple.
Life became wonderful.
Who could have known back then?
Apparently, our souls did. Metaphysically, our hearts perked up that day and said "There you are! I've been looking for you."

Sunday, November 6, 2016

Moments in time

Don't you just wish you could crawl into a picture sometimes and be back in that moment, knowing how precious it is?

Monday, October 31, 2016

My little bit of Heaven

I love being out on our deck with Bella.
Morning coffee, morning meditation. Just sitting and swinging on the swing I used to share with John - and sometimes Toby. She used to love sitting between us in the morning while we sipped coffee and just talked.
I feel close to John out here.
He built this deck from scratch for us and I feel his love in every square inch of it.

Saturday, October 22, 2016

We are gathered here......

"We are gathered here today to..."

It struck me the other day that these words usually start off two very important ceremonies in life - maybe the two most important ones - weddings and funerals.
So much planning goes into the first one - guest lists, color themes, flowers, venue, clothes - and on and on.
But the second one usually happens unexpectedly and in a rush. Often the details are things we have seen others do. It's not usual that the major participant - the deceased - gets any input into the proceedings.
It happens. But in my experience it's not the norm. We hate to think about these things. It's almost  a superstition. If we talk about it, we will cause it to happen. On those occasions when pre-planning takes place, it makes it so much easier for the ones left behind.
I didn't have that luxury. John died suddenly and without warning. We had not discussed much about ceremony beyond cremation and closed casket. So I did the best I could and I think the funeral I arranged was something John would have liked.
But then it came time to decide what to do with his ashes. We had never discussed that. Ever.
So I decided not to decide beyond getting a very nice urn.
But someday we need to be placed somewhere.
I too will be cremated and I want our ashes to be together.
But where I have no clue.
So a few years ago I decided pre-planning [in my case anyway] was in order.
I contacted a church a few towns over that had a columbarium [a room or building with niches for funeral urns to be stored - a new word for me], made an appointment to speak with a representative, and off I went.
It was an experience, to say the least. I don't know if it was typical but it was definitely different.
To start with, I was given a list of available spaces to choose from, each having a certain price allotted to them depending on location - higher on the wall was more expensive than lower, glass front cost more than closed, and so forth. I was having trouble maintaining my composure. I was starting to hear John laugh.
Then I was offered a "tour" to see where the real estate was located. Okay.
Off we went. The lobby of the columbarium building had piped in music and a "visiting" room. John was now laughing out loud. My guide then proceeded to show me where various people she thought I might know [local well known families] were going to be laid to rest as well as the space she and her friends had already purchased. It begged the question why I would have to know this. Surely we were not going to all party after lights out.
But I smiled and nodded my way through the walk-through.
Finally we went back to her office and she presented me with a price sheet and finance plan, expecting me to make a choice, implying if I waited too long, the choice spots would be gone. I felt like I was in a time-share presentation..
I excused myself to go to the ladies room. While in there I could swear I heard John yelling "Get out!" in between absolute belly laughs.
I went back in, told the nice lady I needed time to think and quickly left.
She called a week later and I let her go to voice mail.
John is still in his urn and I still have no pre-plans made.
Every time I decide it's time to try again, John just keeps laughing.