Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Memory lane

John at his college graduation from Old Dominion in June 1970. I found these pictures when I was closing up his Mom's house. There were many pictures and even John's baby book and saved curls of his baby hair. So precious now.

Monday, July 21, 2014

We're still us

This was one of John's favorite songs. Now when I hear it it could be from John to me or from me to John. We are still us. We always will be. John still lives. I know he is still with me and always will be.

You're Still You

Through the darkness
I can see your light
And you will always shine
And I can feel your heart in mine
Your face I've memorized
I idolize just you

I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
I've loved you for so long
And after all is said and done
You're still you
After all
You're still you

You walk past me
I can feel your pain
Time changes everything
One truth always stays the same
You're still you
After all
You're still you

I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
And I believe in you
Although you never asked me to
I will remember you
And what life put you through

And in this cruel and lonely world
I found one love
You're still you
After all
You're still you

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Pictures are so precious now

And going through what I have I feel there just aren't enough. I wish I could have a picture for every day, every second of our life together.
I bought some software to help me enlarge some so that they don't pixelate so much.
It helps a little.

Monday, July 7, 2014

John continues to show up

Two friends and I have started a Reiki share group. We have met two times so far. And both times when I have been on the table getting a treatment, John has shown up.
One of the girls giving me a treatment yesterday told me she felt John's presence and even asked him [in her mind] if he was there and felt she got confirmation.
I saw John in my mind's eye and at one point felt a definite strong pressure on my right hand. At first it felt like he was holding my hand and then I just felt a downward pressure. It was unmistakable. In fact, I opened my eyes just  a little bit to see where the girls were in relation to me because I thought maybe it was one of them.
But one woman was at my head and the other was at my feet. And I still felt the pressure on my right hand.
So I know it was John.
My Love.
My always and forever.
Thank you, Sweetheart. 

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

I've Loved You Before

I was told through a medium that John and I have been widowed from each other a total of seven times. John and I have always thought and felt that we have been together forever.
And will be.
I think of how you know me,
no doubts no thinking twice.
When your smile can be so soothing,
a familiar paradise.
When there's no one else that makes me whole.
I have never needed more
I get this feeling I've loved you before

We were lovers in an army,
marching all for Rome,
side by side in battle,
did we bravely leave our home?
Did I hold you in my arms,
as you were taking your last breath?
Did I shout to all the gods,
that I would love you beyond death?
I swear I've loved you before.

Did we hide in the dark ages,
from a vengeful god above?
Were our names too unfamiliar,
to ever speak of love?
Did I cling to every moment with you,
in every parting glance?
An accidental touch,
did we ever take the chance?
I know I've loved you before.

Have I wandered through the desert?
Have I looked and learned all the stars?
Have I rode the days and nights on rails,
to get back where you are?
And every time I foundered,
it's your eyes I know for sure.

When I think of how you know me,
no doubts no thinking twice.
When your smile can be so soothing,
a familiar paradise.
When there's no one else that makes me whole.
I never wanting more.
I get this feeling.
I know I've loved you before.

I know I've loved you before
I've loved you before

Sunday, June 29, 2014

More pictures

I think this was taken in February 2000. I don't recall why I took this. Maybe John was wearing a new shirt? It really doesn't matter. It's a picture of John and that's enough for me.

 Sunset in Hawaii, April 2000.

This was May 2000, Memorial Day weekend. Toby's first day with us. She was so happy to be in her new home and we were so happy to have her.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Grief sucks

I envy people who can bounce back. Or seem to. I am told grief after sudden loss is different, harder, more traumatic. That is true. But I wonder sometimes if there is something wrong with me. Should I be better at this after four years? My therapist wants me to "let John go", to be open to another relationship, that it is too hard to stay alone for the rest of my life.
She's right. I don't want to be alone. I hate being alone. It IS very hard. But I don't think being with someone new is the answer. I want John. I miss J.O.H.N.
I know I am lonely. I am terribly, horribly lonely.
I feel very brittle lately. I feel like I could break into a hundred million little sharp tiny pieces and it would take very little to do so.
But I have no idea what I can do about it. Nothing helps.
Maybe it's a shortcoming on my part. Maybe all this soul-searching, inner contemplation is just a bunch of hooey. Maybe I am just defective.
Or maybe not.
I have no idea any more.