Wednesday, December 17, 2014

It's almost Christmas

In 8 more days it will be Christmas. And in 9 more days it won't. I can do this.
But in the meantime, I love our pictures of Christmases together.


Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Becoming real

Losing someone you love makes you very real. But loving them makes you real too and I would not change one second of my life with John.
As the Garth Brooks song "The Dance" says:
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
 I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Monday, December 1, 2014

John sent me a smile

The holidays are here again and this past weekend was hard. And this morning driving back from dropping Bella off at daycare, I experienced some serious flashbacks. Some days I just can't get the image of finding John gone out of my head and the horror and overwhelming devastation hits me all over again.
So I came home and got on Facebook [some days I know I waste too much time on there] and was scrolling through my newsfeed. I saw a note from someone I know who has recently lost her husband and her words were uplifting.
And then I saw it.
Two notes down further down and there was a smile from John - a little cartoon that he loved.

Somewhere along the line, John found this cartoon online and bookmarked it. Every so often he would just click on it and play it. He loved it. It never failed to make him laugh, no matter how many times he played it.
And sometimes, if he knew I was within earshot, he would play it to get my attention because he knew it would make me laugh too. It was one of his favorite things.
And here it was on my Facebook newsfeed. I know it was John making me laugh and letting me now he was all aright and we were all right.
Thank you, Sweetheart.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Miss you, Mom

John's Mom birthed into spirit two years ago today. I miss her. I miss our talks. I miss that connection to John.
I miss the opportunity she gave me to be her daughter , too.
But I know she is happy to be back with her family.
Till we are together again, Mom. Love you.

Thursday, November 27, 2014


These pictures are from happy Thanksgivings.
John loved Thanksgiving and he always enjoyed every aspect of the meal from cooking to serving to eating.
Missing you, John, but so grateful for the life we had.
John preparing the first Thanksgiving meal we had together - 1979
1979 - I have no idea what we were doing here

Monday, November 24, 2014

Four and a half years

In the beginning I counted John's passing in hours. Then it was days, then weeks, then months and then, unbelievably, years.
Now it's years and half years.
Today is the 24th of the month and it's ironically a Monday, the same day of the week as when the world changed forever for me on May 24, 2010. It marks four and a half years.
I have to be honest and say my grief has changed. It's not the overwhelming raging raw grief that it was those first few hours, days, weeks, and months. But it is still there.
It will always be there. It will cease to exist when my physical life ceases and I am with John again and we continue our journey together.
I know I am still here for a reason and I will do my best to make the most of my time.
But I would be less than honest if I didn't say that nothing I do here will give me the same joy I felt when John and I were together and I know nothing will be right again until we are together again.
Until then, I accept the sadness.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

More pictures

I am still digitizing pictures of John from all the rolls I have, wishing I had taken more pictures of John and less of scenery and pets. But I am happy I have what I have. I dread the day when I reach the end of the pictures that I have.
These are pictures of John selling stuff at a local fair. He called his wares "Johnny Mart".