Tuesday, November 28, 2017

A love song from my Honey

Every year I pick a Christmas present that I know John would have bought for me if he were still here.
This year I picked an Echo Show. And yes, I know it's not Christmas yet but QVC was having a sale I couln't pass up.
Anyway, it arrived a couple of days ago and I eagerly set it up. I love having music playing in the house so I told Echo [who I now have baptized "Computer"] to play songs from the 80's. I thought it would be fun to listen to songs that were playing when John and I were in our early years, when we first fell in love, when we moved in together, when we were married.
So Computer obeyed.
And what was the VERY FIRST song that came up?
Randy Travis singing "I'm Gonna Love You Forever."
Yes, I cried.
I know it was John telling me what I needed to hear just then.
Forever and ever and ever and ever Amen.
Me too, John, me too.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Grateful and with a new passion

This part of my life has not turned out the way I had envisioned.
I had thought John and I would grow old together. We would travel, relax at home, play with our furbabies, enjoy hobbies, support each other in whatever endeavors we were attracted to.
But that was not to be. John hadn't even retired yet when our life together ended so suddenly.
And so I am here, wondering what to do with the rest of my time.
How can I make it be worthwhile?
How can I make John proud of me?
How can I become the next best version of me?
This past week I had a session with Susanne Wilson, the Carefree Medium. Susanne and I have become good friends over the last few years. I have had classes with her and I have had readings. This session was different though. Even though John showed up it was not a reading per se. Instead, we focused on deciphering my next goal in this life by engaging the help of my Guides and Angels [and John is definitely in that group; we are still a team].
Without going into all the details just yet, it quickly became apparent that I do definitely have a reason for still being here.
I am to be part of a group of individuals who will help others who are seeking - those people who want to know their purpose, who want to know what else is out there, what is the Afterlife all about, etc.
It's an exciting time for me.
This is my passion.
Through my own loss, I have tried to learn all I can about where John is. In so doing, a whole new world has opened up for me, a world I would not have known about in as much detail had it not been for John's passing before me.
Over the next few weeks and months I will share the progression of my work.
I hope you will join me if this interests you.
If we are still here, we still have work to do.
I aim to do my part.
Namaste.

Monday, November 6, 2017

A hug from John

John came through today in a big way.
I have been very down these past few days. Lots of family stuff going on. Sad stuff.
And I have been really missing John.
This afternoon I was searching in the closet in my office for a large mailing envelope. I couldn’t find the size I wanted but suddenly my fingers touched something wedged in between the envelopes. It wasn’t an envelope and when I pulled it out I couldn’t believe my eyes. They were two notebooks that John and I had used years ago when we went on a marriage retreat. The notebooks are filled with our assignments. John’s essays are literally love letters to me. I couldn’t believe what I was holding.
We had gone to this retreat just to reconnect and have a special space just for us.
I had been looking for these notebooks for years, ever since he died. I knew I had saved them but just could not remember where.
I had prayed to him and anyone else who would listen to help me find them.
I thought for sure they were in his office and I would find them when I pulled that apart but no.
Then I thought my office and looked in all the usual places but no luck.
So I just put the prayer out there to guide me to them some day and lo and behold today they are literally placed in my hands.
I NEVER would have looked there.
And you know why I needed that envelope?
Because of an incorrect item sent to me. I ordered something as a birthday present for a friend in September that never came and then a replacement one was sent and it turned out to be wrong.
I needed that envelope to use for the wrong item.
The vendor asked me to mail it to the recipient it was intended for.
I am astounded by the steps that were orchestrated just to get me to this place.
No matter how often these things happen I am in awe and wonder every single time.
I don’t have to tell you that I cried and I am so happy to have this. I only read a couple of pages. I want to savor this and read a little at a time.
Yesterday I had written in my journal to John. I had poured out my heart about all the things troubling me right now and I had asked him for a hug. I'd say this definitely qualifies.
Thank you, Sweetheart. ❤️💕

Saturday, November 4, 2017

50 years ago

It's not often when you can pinpoint the exact moment when your life changed.
Yes, there are occasions that mark momentous events - marrying your best friend, the birth of a child, the death of your soul mate.
But those are the obvious ones.
I am talking about something that seems totally innocuous on its face but, when you look back on the arc of your life, you can actually say “This. Here. This spot. This day. This thing that I did. That’s when my life started. That’s when I embarked on the road that led me to the exact place I am today. Without that one thing, everything would have been different.”
Today is such a day for me.
Fifty years ago today I had a first date with someone. That someone turned out to be a man I spent some years with off and on, eventually even becoming engaged to him for a short period of time. We never married and eventually even lost touch with each other. Then through the magic of Facebook we reconnected earlier this year. He’s happy now, married, and thriving.
But that is not the point.
The point is if I had not started seeing him, other things would not have happened.
I would not have eventually met and married my first husband.
And if that hadn’t happened, I would not have wound up in Pennsylvania working at a place where I finally met the love of my life.
My John.
My soul mate.
The man whose life completed mine.
I guess the fact that I am approaching 70 years old in a few months is making me feel introspective.
And 50 years is a long time.
I don’t regret that day at all. I was lucky to have known a very nice person who I still like today. I’m glad we have reconnected, even if it’s only on the Internet. It completes the circle, so to speak and I know John is ok with it too.
Truly, I am in awe how life works out.
If not but for...then this wouldn’t have.
Have you ever felt that way? Can you single something out like that?
I feel lucky to be able to see the pattern in my life.
I am grateful.
Namaste.

Thursday, November 2, 2017

Just when you think you have it all together and you have this grief thing down pat and are in control, something happens and you melt.
Tonight was just such a time.
I met a wonderful group of women this evening. Some ladies in our town formed a small widows group. We met for the first time at a local restaurant and shared. We laughed, we hugged, we nodded at similar stories.
We acknowledged how we will be there for each other. We came from all walks of life. Working, retired; newly widowed, widowed several years - and more.
In the parking lot we waved good-bye and said we looked forward to the next get-together.
I felt good about new friends, new support.
I can do this.
And then -
and then -
On the way home a song came on Pandora ["I Will See You Again" by Westlife] and I cried all the way home.
Not just a little teary.
Big ugly sobbing tears running down my cheeks crying.
The crying will never end.
The missing will never end.
And it's okay.
I miss you, John.
Today I am one day closer to being back with you again.

Monday, October 23, 2017

I love our home

I think it's important to keep the energy of our home positive and happy. It makes me happy to decorate it. I know John likes me to do this. He loved our home too.
I played with this photo in one of my photography apps to give it some Fall character.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

I miss the little things that make up our love

Many many years ago I worked as an inpatient oncology nurse. I was chemo certified so part of my job was to administer intravenous chemotherapy to our patients who came in strictly on an out-patient basis. These people were not as immuno-compromised as our overnight patients. They came in, stayed for a few hours while they received their medication, and then - if all went well - they went home. Most times they were accompanied by family members. That gave me a chance to observe how the family dynamics were doing with the stress of the illness, do some teaching, offer support, and just enjoy the interactions.
Even though this was over 20 years ago, I still remember one particular married couple.They were probably both in their sixties. The woman was the patient, receiving chemo for advanced stage breast cancer. She  looked as though she had lost weight recently and her bald head was wrapped in a colorful scarf. But it was obvious that they had a wonderful loving relationship just by how they interacted with each other. Her husband doted on her, sitting with her while she underwent treatment, anticipating her every need. I know he was probably feeling very helpless and wanted to do what he could - anything - to lighten her burden. Over the course of her time with us, I got to know them fairly well.
One particular incident stands out in my mind.
I remember she was going to read a magazine to while away the time and she pulled out her glasses from the bottom of her purse. Right away her husband jumped up and held out his hand.
"Here, let me clean those for you," he said.
He immediately went over to the sink in the room and lovingly washed and dried her glasses before handing them back to her.
It was a small gesture. Something we all do every day.
And yet to this day, whenever I wash my own glasses I think of him. That one small gesture said volumes.
She was loved.
Cherished.
Cared for.
It's the little small things we do for each other that make up the bigger picture of our lives.
And when death robs us of our loved ones, our hands hang idle, longing to do one more loving act.
I ache to be able to caress the soft spot next to John's eyes.
I wish I could cook one of his favorite meals for him again.
Or surprise him with a bag of red vines - his favorite candy.
I often think of the times John would go grocery shopping and come back with a bouquet of flowers for me.
Or make my coffee just the way I liked it.
Or make me soup when I was ill.
It's the every day things that I miss so much.
Each and every day.
That couple I met all those years ago have probably gone on to the next World now but I still remember them and the lesson the husband taught me.
Little gestures of kindness, of affection, of saying I know you and I love you just the way you are are what make the world go round.
How I wish I could share another moment like that with John again.
But I am grateful I was able to share them when we did.
I love you, John.