Thursday, November 26, 2015

Happy Thanksgiving, John

Was that John telling me Hello and Happy Thanksgiving this morning?
At around 6:30 AM today his alarm clock went off. It wasn’t a steady beep. It just kept going off and on. And the alarm light was blinking and the alarm button was in the On position. I don’t think it could have been the cats because the alarm button is small and has to be turned a certain way in order to set the alarm. And it couldn't have been the cleaning ladies. It’s been over a week since they have been here.
I think it was John. He loved Thanksgiving. And turkey.
Thank you, Sweetheart.
Happy Thanksgiving.
I love you.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

From Grief To Peace

Two friends and I have started a Facebook community and blog page about grief and mourning as it relates to losing a soul mate.
I have learned so much and have been blessed to come so far since John has passed that I want to help others who are hurting.
I feel by doing that I can heal myself as well.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Precious photographs

I cherish all the pictures I have of John, and of us and the life we shared. Of course, I wish we had taken more now that they are all I have left. More photos, more video. Sometimes, I wish I could crawl inside the photos and videos and be there with him again.
I remember a friend telling me [after John had been gone only 8 months] that I had too many pictures of him around. Her husband in the meantime was alive and well and puttering in the garage at the time so I think she should have kept her mouth shut and I politely told her so.
This past week someone I know only casually said after death we should not "make a shrine" to our loved ones. Again, spoken by someone who truly has no idea what she is talking about.
I refuse to allow others to dictate how I choose to honor and cherish John's place in my life, then and now.

Monday, November 9, 2015

It wasn't long enough

John and I were together on this earth 32 years, 34 years if you count the two years we were friends before we became a couple. The first thing I remember thinking after he passed was that it wasn't long enough. We were just getting the hang of this married thing and we were getting really good at it. Life was so good and then poof! It was over.
Now it's been 37 years since our first date, 39 years [this month! as a matter of fact] since we saw each other for the very first time, since our souls smiled and knew we had finally made it back to each other again.
It is no coincidence that I found this video today, that I am writing this post about our first date, our first meeting. I know John is thinking the same things and he wants me to know this.
Thank you, my Love. I love you, too and I love our life together, in all its forms.
Until I hold you again...

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Feeling sad

This has been a tough week. I am still struggling with the aftermath of the car accident this past August. I am fine, thank God. But the insurance company of the moron who hit me is refusing to pay the proper amount for the diminished value to my car. So, I am now dealing with appraisals and attorneys and trying to decide the best way to go that won't end up costing me money. Somehow, it doesn't seem fair that I am the one suffering the damage yet I am also the one who must spend money in order to be made whole.
Then I am having roof issues. I had the roof retiled last year. In order to save on supply costs we salvaged the good tiles which amounted to 60% of what was there. Then we replaced the rest. Of course, finding tiles to match wasn't going to happen so we painted the entire roof a nice color when it was done. It looked beautiful - until this year when I noticed paint chipping off. After a complaint to the company they decided the paint was defective and repainted at no cost to me. All well and good but that meant scraping off all the old paint. What a mess! Paint chips everywhere - in the pool, in the landscaping, staining the pool deck and some parts of the house. I am beyond upset. They claim they will clean it up but also already stated not all of it will be able to be picked up.So, again, I will have to go to the mat to get compensated.
So I had a good cry for myself yesterday. Wished with all my heart that John was here. I could so use one of his hugs and hearing him tell me it will be all right.
I worry I am not taking care of the house properly. I find myself worrying about everything lately and realizing that I am not getting better in that area.
I have never been alone like this. I went from my home as a child and teen to nursing school to serious boyfriend to marriage number one and then to John.
Now, I am utterly alone. Not even family to fall back on.
It's scary.
My therapist thinks I should be "open" to another relationship. Is that everyone's answer to everything?
Yes, I hate being alone but being with someone doesn't necessarily make you any less alone if it's not who you want to be with.
And I know in the scheme of things, I still have it pretty good. I have no right to complain.
So, now I pile guilt on top.
I don't know what's more of a mess - me or the house.