Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Happy Valentine's Day, Sweetheart!

I miss you so much.
I love you, John!
Valentine's Day 2005

Monday, February 12, 2018

Answer to my prayer

I have been missing John a lot lately and needing to feel him near me. I asked him last night to show me he is still here with me.
This morning as I walked the dog in the back yard I looked up at the night sky. It was still dark but dawn was right around the corner. As I looked up at the stars, one of them just winked out. And then another.
Maybe it was a cloud passing across the sky. Maybe it was because the light was changing in preparation for sunrise although it was still dark but maybe not dark enough for stars.
And then a song lyric spontaneously popped into my head.
"And one by one the stars would all go out and you and I would simply fly away."
I felt I needed to find out what song that was. I just knew it had meaning.
As I walked into the house another line just popped into my head.
"If a man could be two places at one time I'd be with you. Tomorrow and today."
Then I knew.
This song was a message from John.
He was answering my request from last night.
I quickly went to my computer and did a search for those lyrics.
What came back was the beautiful song If by Bread.
Thank you, John.
Thank you for answering my prayer.
Thank you for reassuring me.
I love you.

Monday, February 5, 2018

Looking for the gift

As I mentioned in my last post, I am experiencing a health challenge right now. And I would be lying if I said I wasn't concerned and a little scared. In the past, John was always here to hold my hand and erase my fears with one of his wonderful hugs. So, traveling this road alone is new for me and not without some anxiety.
But I have been determined to soldier on. And because of that I have been forced to look elsewhere for support. And that has led me to some new insights that I do not believe were just coincidences. In fact, I now think that was a hidden gift in this experience.
Let me explain.
After John transitioned, my need for connection with him led me to a new level in my spiritual life that I would never have attained had it not been for his passing. In my book, I spoke about how that was just one of the gifts he gave me.
But I admit, over the years, even though I still learned at every opportunity - and there were many - there have been times in the last couple of years that I may have gotten a bit complacent. I know in the last few months, for example, I was not meditating as much as I had been before or should be.
And then "this" happened.
In my quest for answers, I turned to God and to John and my Team. I started meditating again.
I took a step back and evaluated what was important in my life and what needed to be let go.
I asked John for advice and the message I heard in my head was "Get purer." interesting comment. John was very fond of saying "Things are happening the way they are supposed to." He didn't push against things. Instead, he let things roll off his back. He was very forgiving. He prayed. Often.
Then I started meditating again and I asked for answers there too. The message was loud and clear.
And very similar.
Don't worry so much.
Let things go.
Practice the Serenity Prayer.
Do more of this (meditating).
Grief takes many forms. I have talked most often about grief as it relates to losing my soul mate but we humans grieve other losses too. Losing health is a loss that surely shakes us up and puts potholes where once we had a straight safe path.
So, once again, being shaken up has forced me to reassess and while I am not happy about my situation, I am trying, as I did when John passed, to look for a hidden gift in all of this.
No, I am not turning into Pollyanna. When a bad thing happens, it sucks. "This" sucks. No getting around that.
But I am also not going to waste the opportunity to use this experience to my advantage. I am going to go back to my spiritual path and aim for serenity and peace.
It's a work in progress.

Saturday, January 27, 2018

"I'm still here."

I'm going through a bit of a health challenge right now. What it is exactly isn't really important. What is important is that I am shaken by it and desperately wish I had my Honey here with me to help me through it.
Don't get me wrong - I have some wonderful friends who are giving of themselves to support me. But, as all of us who have lost a dear one know, nothing can really replace the hug of your soul mate, the kiss to make it all better, the words of comfort that only he or she can give to soothe your soul.
So, in my stress, I have turned to John in the ways I have since he has passed. I talk to him almost constantly and I receive signs on a daily basis. Granted, most of them are small signs and very subtle. But that doesn't diminish them in any way. A sign is a sign and I will take whatever I can get.
But this challenge is a big one and I wanted and needed a big sign from John to show me that this was going to be something we would handle together, that he is here for me as he always has been.
I needed a sign that would knock my socks off, so to speak.
Well, let me tell you - John came through.
The first one came on Wednesday afternoon.
I was walking from the bedroom to the living room [why doesn't matter - I can't even remember why now] and I heard a familiar chime. It caught my attention. I have lots of electrical equipment in my house - the computer, my iPhone with dozens of apps that chirp and burp occasionally, Alexa, etc.
And so for a millisecond my brain was trying to locate the reason for the chime. Then I heard a distinct voice coming from my house security system saying "Alarm Stay - Exit now".
I immediately became first confused and then tremendously impressed.
There are only two ways to set the house system on like that - by pressing a 5 digit code on the keypad itself or by opening the app in my phone, inserting a 4 digit code, waiting for the app to wake up [it takes several seconds] and then setting the alarm stay mode [another two taps on the phone].
I had done none of that!
Yet, when I checked the keypad it was now in alarm mode and the indicator light was red. I had to manually turn it off.
Okay, John, you have my attention.
But he wasn't through.
The next night I fell asleep watching TV. I often do that. I woke up to reruns of Frasier and watched for a few minutes until I got drowsy and then used the remote to turn the TV off.
I rolled over to go back to sleep but heard a strange whirring noise. At first I thought it was the pet water fountain but it was too loud.
I sat up and couldn't believe my eyes.
The electrical fireplace insert had turned on - all by itself! Yes, it is controlled by a remote control unit but that unit was sitting on the mantel yards away from me and out of reach of any cats. I had to get out of bed and grab the remote to turn the fireplace off. My first thought was maybe the TV remote had done it but it had never done that before in the year since the insert had been installed.
No, there could only be one answer.
I don't know how this health episode is going to work out for me in the next few months but it really doesn't matter.
I know what I need to know. Just as in the old days, when something was bothering me and I needed a hug or a kiss or words telling me John had my back, he is still doing that now in the ways he can.
I had wanted a "big" sign and John had sent me two.
I smiled and said Thank you and because I am feeling needy right now I asked John to keep doing this.
John is still here.
Love lives on!

Sunday, January 21, 2018


The past few weeks have been especially hard.
Losing my aunt, the holidays.
And then to add to it, I am having a medical issue right now. It's going to be okay but it just makes it more acutely obvious that John is not with me physically.
If he were here on this Earth, he would be hugging me all the time and making life okay.
But he shows me every day that he is here with me, loving me, looking out for me.
I know it and I am grateful.
Thank you, Sweetheart. I love you.

Sunday, December 24, 2017

A huge Hello from John

My Sweetie came through again last night. I am still totally amazed. Some days I feel I should be used to the ways that John still shows me that he's around. Then other days I doubt and think maybe I am just making all this stuff up to make myself feel better. I think we all have those feelings from time to time.
But last night was unmistakable.
Let me explain.
A friend of ours - John's and mine - came into town this weekend to be with his family. George and his girlfriend were staying with his sister. He texted me on Friday to say Hi but didn't think we would be able to meet because his schedule was so full with family get-togethers. Then, lo and behold, his Saturday evening became free and he wanted to know if we could get together for drinks and snacks.
Of course, I said yes.
I have always enjoyed George's company. Our history goes way back. Years ago - many years ago - literally 34 years ago - John and George met in nursing school. Both were older gents who were going back to school to start second careers. So, these two wonderful people met and struck up an instant friendship. I remember John coming home and telling me about his friend George long before I ever met him.
A couple of years passed. They both graduated.
By this time I was Head Nurse of a children's psych unit in Wilkes Barre PA and needed a staff nurse. John told his friend to apply. He did. He got the job. It worked out great. George was a wonderful nurse and an awesome person and we all got along. George was now my friend too. Officially, a "family" friend.
More years passed. John and I moved to AZ. George visited a couple of times and then, as often happens, we lost touch.
Fast forward more years.
One day I got an email from George. He had been surfing the Internet and looking up people he knew and sadly, he had found John's obituary. He also had found my writing web site and thus was able to get my email address. So, he was writing to say how sorry he was to hear about John and to ask how I was doing.
I was thrilled to hear from him. We caught up. As luck would have it, George has a sister who lives just one town over from me so the next time he was in town visiting his sister we had dinner and renewed our friendship in real time. And talked of John, of course, and remembered and smiled.
So, now through the magic of technology, we can Facebook and text and keep in touch.
And that brings me to yesterday and dinner at Z Tejas in Phoenix.
As I was driving to Phoenix to pick up George and his friend so we could go to dinner, I talked to John. I do that a lot when I drive. I enjoy our quiet time together.
Anyway, I was telling John about the upcoming time with George and invited John to join us, to be with us and have fun as we always did when we got together.
And then I just let that thought go. John was going to do with it what he would.
I picked up George and Fran and off we went. I had made reservations for 7:30. We arrived and I told the waitress we were there. She grabbed 3 menus. I whispered to her that we needed a quiet table because we had a lot of catching up to do. She nodded understanding. Mind you, I had purposely chosen this particular restaurant because it's usually pretty good for conversation and the other restaurants I had researched for this evening all touted "entertainment" which translates into shouting if you want to talk to your dinner companion. So, I had picked this one precisely for no entertainment.
And then, just as we started following the hostess to our table, I heard the strains of a guitar being tuned up and the guitarist mumbling something to the audience as he started to play his next song. He was in the bar area and I couldn't see him but I could definitely hear him. The words "oh, crap" may have been muttered under my breath.
And then...
And then...
He started to sing and I instantly recognized the song - "Lyin' Eyes" by the Eagles.
Anyone who knows me or who has read my book knows what that song means to me - and to John.  It's one of the ways that John says what I call "Hello's" to me. I knew what it meant.
John was there. He was smiling and happy and he was going to enjoy time with George too.
I was thrilled. As it happened dinner conversation eventually turned to George saying "So, what's new?" and I filled him in on my latest metaphysical doings and I was able to explain what had just happened.
But even if I hadn't been able to do that, I knew what had just happened and it was enough. My heart was full.
Hello, John. Have a seat. So happy you can be with us. Let's all catch up.

Sunday, December 17, 2017

Fly high, Aunt Mary

Mary Flowers        1929 - 2017

This has been a very hard week for me and my family.
Last Sunday my aunt and godmother Mary Flowers passed away.
My aunt was more than my aunt to me. She was my second Mom and even saying that doesn't do it justice.
Next to losing John, this is the next hardest loss for me. I bonded with Aunt Mary from infancy. My mother was not the most affectionate mother. My aunt tells me stories how she used to come home from work [she was 19 and working as a secretary in the city] and my mother would be busy doing housework and she would tell my aunt to "go play with the baby" [I was only months old]. My aunt told me she didn't need to be asked. She enjoyed nothing more. She would put on her Frank Sinatra records and she would dance around the room with me. 
When my mother was being crappy to me when I was growing up, it was my aunt that I turned to for unconditional love. She was always there. 
She was a constant I could rely on no matter what. When Alzheimer's took her, it was very hard for everyone. And now she is not suffering anymore so that's good.
I know she is still with me. But we all know it's not the same thing.
But I'm grateful for what I had. I know I am lucky and blessed.
I know she and her husband are so happy to be back together. She and Uncle Al were married for 68 years. he passed earlier this year band she missed him very much. Even in her confusion she was always searching for him.
I know the memories will sustain me until we're all back together.
Aunt Mary will always be in my heart.