Monday, February 24, 2014

It's the 24th again

So today marks 45 months since John passed. I can't believe it will be 4 years pretty soon.
I went to the movies today. I try to get out as much as I can. If I don't, it will mean my only contacts are the cats and the dog and that can't be good.
Anyway, I saw a mystical little movie called Winter's Tale. It was disappointing actually. But there were a couple of moments that stuck with me. A love interest of the main character dies in the movie and that scene got to me. It brought back sad flashes of finding John. The male protagonist begs his love to come back. That must be a universal thing - to ask your love to come back. If only they could.
Then in the end, the narrator talks about how some of us are to stay behind because we have a job to do and the person who dies is done with their mission.
I believe that. I'm working on trying to learn my purpose. I hope I have one. I have to have one. I need something to keep me going.
And then at the end, the narrator talks about reuniting with your loved one after death. I can't wait.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

I would do it all again in a heartbeat

I finally got around to watching my recording of Jay Leno's last night. Garth Brooks was one of his guests and he sang a song specially requested by Jay - "The Dance".
I was immediately transported back to PA, our home in Lehman - good times, loving times. John and I were heavily into country music back then and Garth rose to fame while we lived there. So hearing him always makes me think of our home there.
But the song also makes me think of our entire life together.
I was overcome, a little by surprise. There has been a sadness inside and the song released it all. Tears - tears for sadness, tears for happiness, tears for gratitude.
No matter how hard it is now I would not have traded a second of my life here on Earth with John.
And I would gladly do it all over again.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

So true

The little things

Yesterday I watched a TV show and I was immediately reminded of John. I have no idea what the show was now or what it was about but I can still remember the exact second that it made me think of John. It was a 3/4 shot of the male character. He was seated and wearing an open-neck shirt and his neck was turned in such a way that I felt I was looking at John. Not his face, not his voice, just his neck.
It was John's neck. 
Such a small thing. But there it was. For a brief fraction of a second my heart felt home.
Then today I went to the movies. I just had to get out of the house. The movie was nothing to write home about but toward the end the two main characters held hands finally and again I was transported. I remember that first time; that almost tentative reach from John and then how happy I was to hold on. 
And never wanting to let go.
Our last day together John reached for my hand as we crossed the street on our way back to our hotel and I can still remember how good it felt. We held on to each other so comfortably and laughed and talked as we strolled back, never knowing how little time was left.
But the good feeling was still there.
And I am so grateful.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Pervasive sadness

I'm not sure why but I feel a deep sadness lately. More deeply than I have felt in the past.
This seems to be a sadness that seeps into everything.
Maybe it's the realization on a deeper level that John is gone from this physical world, our world.
I don't know what to make of this. I don't think there is anything that can be done about it but I will speak to my therapist about it when I see her next.
All I know is that the thought of being here without John for the rest of my life is overwhelming.
I miss him more than ever.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Storms make me miss John

Rainbows make me remember him.
John loved storms. I always wish he were here to enjoy them with me.
Then I see a rainbow and I feel he is saying Hello. I'm sure he didn't cause the rainbow but maybe he made me look to see it.
Thank you, John. I love you.