Thursday, April 25, 2013

My empty house, my sad heart

This no longer feels like a home. I have been redecorating and playing with the house in the hopes of making it feel better but it's just a mirage. With John gone and now the dogs it is now a house and not a home.
After John passed it felt strange to be out, especially in the evening, and know that no one waited for me or looked forward to my homecoming.
But at least I had the dogs. And as anyone who has had dogs knows, there is something special about a dog's greeting when you walk in the door.
And I had a routine. I had to be home at a certain time because the girls needed to be walked and fed.
Then Jessie passed and the greeting was less.
But there was still Toby and despite her illness, she was always glad to see me.
And her needs kept me focused and made me feel like I had a purpose.
Now, the girls are no longer here and there is no rhyme or reason to my comings and goings. I walk in the door and no one greets me.
No tails wag at my entrance.
No dogs need to be walked or fed.
There are no sounds in the house of heavy dog pads or barking at the Fed Ex man.
This house has turned into a shell and I can't stand it.
For the first time since John passed, it doesn't matter when I come and go.
Toby and Jessie helped to bridge that emptiness for me after losing John.
But there is no one to help me mourn them.
I need my best friend so much and he's not here to hug me and hold me and be sad with me.
I have never wanted to turn back time so much as I have these last almost three years.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

35 months today

Today marks 35 months since John left. I woke up during the night and had a terrible time falling back to sleep. And then I realized it was the monthly anniversary of when John passed. So I guess my heart knew what my brain had trouble remembering at first.
And then to make matters worse, I had to put our dog Toby down today. Toby was really John's dog. He loved both of his girls but he was especially fond of Toby. He was so proud of her intelligence and sensitivity. And she loved him so much.
I had to actually talk John into getting a second dog. But we knew Jessie needed a friend so we searched until we found just the right one. John always said he wanted a "scruffy" dog and he got that in Toby. But she turned into a beauty and she loved John so much. He called her a "kid in a dog suit" because he felt she was so smart. She understood everything John told her. They had a special bond.
So I picture them together now - John and Toby and Jessie.

Take care of our babies, John, until I get there too. Then we will be all together again. I can't wait.

Friday, April 19, 2013

This has been a tough week

The Boston bombings, several friends losing loved ones, Toby being so ill. In the past, I would have turned to John. We would have turned to each other. We would have hugged. I would have felt I could handle anything with John at my side.
But now it's hard. I don't like leaning on myself. It's scary.
And I miss John so much.
Things are never going to be all right again.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Happy Birthday, John!

Today would have been John's 70th birthday. John and I always talked about this year - I would be 65 and he would be 70. For some reason, this year was a milestone of sorts for us. I would be eligible for Medicare and John could officially retire - not that he would. He loved being active and envisioned himself being busy as long as he could.
But these birthdays were important to us. And for some reason 70 seemed "old" to John. He laughed about it, wondering how it happened that we had reached that point in our lives.
And of course, we assumed we would be here together when it happened.
But we're not.
But I wish you, John, my Love, a Happy Birthday today. I'm sure it's meaningless in Heaven. Every day is a wonderful day there and age is no more.
I miss you so much.
From John's 50th birthday party

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Tough week

I feel flat and stuck.
Toby - our remaining dog - is not doing well and I am acutely aware that this Saturday would have been John's 70th birthday, a birthday we would have celebrated with much fanfare.
I am aware that grief comes in waves, some day or weeks being harder or easier than others.
This week is harder.
I know John is with me in the best way that he can be and I'm sure at some point I will feel better again but for now I just need to feel what I feel.

Monday, April 1, 2013

John's plaque at the Arizona Humane Society

Today we had a small ceremony as we erected John's plaque at the Arizona Humane Society. The last of the money from his non-profit was donated to the Second Chance Hospital there and they are purchasing a new anesthesia machine with it.
This is the plaque that hangs at the entrance to the hospital.I thought it was fitting to have this picture of John with Toby since we adopted Toby from there.
John's love goes on.