Thursday, April 25, 2013

My empty house, my sad heart

This no longer feels like a home. I have been redecorating and playing with the house in the hopes of making it feel better but it's just a mirage. With John gone and now the dogs it is now a house and not a home.
After John passed it felt strange to be out, especially in the evening, and know that no one waited for me or looked forward to my homecoming.
But at least I had the dogs. And as anyone who has had dogs knows, there is something special about a dog's greeting when you walk in the door.
And I had a routine. I had to be home at a certain time because the girls needed to be walked and fed.
Then Jessie passed and the greeting was less.
But there was still Toby and despite her illness, she was always glad to see me.
And her needs kept me focused and made me feel like I had a purpose.
Now, the girls are no longer here and there is no rhyme or reason to my comings and goings. I walk in the door and no one greets me.
No tails wag at my entrance.
No dogs need to be walked or fed.
There are no sounds in the house of heavy dog pads or barking at the Fed Ex man.
This house has turned into a shell and I can't stand it.
For the first time since John passed, it doesn't matter when I come and go.
Toby and Jessie helped to bridge that emptiness for me after losing John.
But there is no one to help me mourn them.
I need my best friend so much and he's not here to hug me and hold me and be sad with me.
I have never wanted to turn back time so much as I have these last almost three years.

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