It's been a long week. I am having work done on the house and it's been stressful. Workers have been here, money is being spent, the animals are upset because their routine has been disrupted and they are rebelling as only they can. I have had to get up way too early too many mornings in a row, workers haven't shown up when they were supposed to, expectations need to be met, I still have to work and make a living and through it all I am still missing my soul mate, my best friend.
I. am. exhausted. I am tired of grieving. I am tired of justifying that I am still grieving. I have few friends that I feel comfortable enough confiding in and now that circle seems to be getting smaller and smaller. I have reached out to some and bared my soul and have been met with either silence or inane comments.
I am tired of pretending that that is okay. I am just bone tired and soul weary.
This is where I am right now. If people can't accept that they can go to hell. I am through justifying myself. I am through analyzing and scrutinizing my grief. It just is. If I need to cry I will. If I need to stay in the house for days on end, I will. If I don't like the idea of packing John's stuff up, I won't.
If I want to leave everything as it was when he left even though I know he is not returning, so what. Who is it hurting?
I'm not moving on? Big deal. Leave me alone then. I didn't ask anyone to share this with me. I can do it by myself. If I fail, so what? Who is that affecting but me?
This is my loss, my grief. It's MY husband who died. Not anyone else's. I will grieve him as I see fit.