Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Still trying to make sense of the coupled world

A friend who also blogs about her grief journey wrote today about being uncoupled by death in a coupled world.
It's nice to know I am not the only one who feels this way. Our entire society - movies, songs, books, commercials, etc - is geared toward the trials and tribulations of being in or out of love. Those of us who are suddenly without our partners because of death are invisible. No one knows how to deal with us. Consequently, we are encouraged to "get over it" and "move on". I guess we're inconvenient.
And that attitude bothers me.
I know it's partly because grief scares people but that doesn't help.
For instance, I HATE the Cialis commercials. Yes, they are goofy anyway but it bothers me to see the depiction of people in love.
Another example - I can’t walk past the men’s counters in department stores without getting upset.
It’s very hard to be a bereft in a coupled world. I don’t like to refer to myself as single because I don’t see myself that way. I am not looking for another mate and identifying myself as single, in my mind, implies that.
I HAVE a soul mate. He is just on another plane. But it hurts to see people together for so many years in their marriage when ours was cut short.
It would really help those who mourn if we could be cared for instead of swept under the rug. As if our grief was just a small thing. Like losing a coat or misplacing your keys.
They’ve even now coined a new phrase for us who mourn “too long”. Complicated grief.
Is there a simple grief? What does that look like? And what constitutes “too long”? Is there a secret mathematical formula? Years together divided by length of separation?
Give me a break. Walk in my shoes for a while and get back to me. Tell me how complicated my grief is then.

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