Tuesday, June 7, 2011

No better

Well, I have passed the one year mark. That magical milestone that everyone references. Did it help?
Did I expect it would?
I don't feel any better, any different. If anything, the reality is sinking in more now and I feel worse.
I still can't believe that life has become this. This never-ending wish for John to come back. For this nightmare to be over. For my life to go back to the way it was. We were so happy, so content. And now, nothing.
There is absolutely nothing that makes me want to get out of bed in the morning. Nothing that interests me. Nothing that makes me look forward to anything.
I have tried.
I have plastered the walls with pictures of John.
It didn't help.
I have made a Memorial Garden for him.
It didn't help.
I am taking care of his mother.
It doesn't help.
I am seeing a therapist.
It doesn't help.
Nothing helps. Nothing makes it better.
I still miss him with every cell of my being. No matter what I do in the day, he is constantly on my mind and I am acutely aware that he is not here. And never will be again.
I don't know what to do any more. I suppose it is a failing of mine not to be better. Other women have gone through this and have gotten through this. I don't seem to be able to.
The future seems like one big yawning abyss.

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