In two weeks it will be two years since John passed. Now I find myself giving the standard "I'm OK" whenever anyone asks. In reality I want to scream "Life sucks! I hate this. I want my old life back. I want my John back." But I don't. No one wants to hear that any more. I know everyone thinks I should be OK now. I should be fine with this. At least I should be able to "move on". I hate that phrase.
How do you move on? You don't. You move forward. One day moves into the next, and the next, and the next. And before you know you are facing the two year anniversary and you wonder how you got here. What happened to those two years? And why does it still feel like it just happened? And why does the hole still feel raw? And why do these surges of grief just overtake you and make you scream like an animal?
I don't have any answers. I just know I never thought I would be here doing this and I wish with all my heart this wasn't so.
I look at these pictures I post of John and I remember his laugh, his smile, his love. I ache for that. What I wouldn't give for one of his hugs. No matter what was wrong with life, a hug and kiss from John made it all better. Life with him was happy beyond words. I don't mean every day was a picnic. It wasn't. We had our troubles and ups and downs the same as any married couple. But we were together and so often we told each other how lucky we were. We truly liked each other. We knew we were lucky and blessed. Thank God we knew that.
But it makes it so much harder now.