I have been feeling very down these last few weeks.
I can't say I
can identify a particular reason. Maybe it's because our wedding anniversary was the end of last month. One more day without him. One more big day reminding me we can't celebrate together in this world.
Or maybe it's not that. Maybe it's just plain old grief. No reason. Just grief. Grief doesn't have to follow any rule. You can be bopping along all
confident and happy and then something - a scent, a word, a song -
anything - will remind you of your soul mate and the grief returns and
the sunny day is gone.
Or something will cross your mind and for a
nano-second, your mind forgets and you think "I must remember to tell J
- oh, wait, I can't." And the world crashes in on you. And just like
that, the sadness, the longing - it all returns.
That's what it's been like for me recently.
But enough so that I am aware. Grief is an ever-present companion. An unwelcome roommate.
We have a detente of sorts.
But I would give anything for it to leave.
I miss my best friend, the man who made the sun rise and the birds sing in my heart.
The man whose smile made my day. Whose eyes lit up when I entered a room.
Whose hug eased my sorrows. Whose wise words helped me through life's trials.
Whose love cushioned me, surrounded me, gave me strength.
I forge on. I know I can do this grief thing.
I will make John proud of me.
But I still miss my best friend.