Europe 1985

I scanned some pictures from our trip to Europe today. It was September 1985. John was 42 years old and I was 37. We had just sold the first house John and I had bought together and John had just graduated from nursing school. We had talked about taking this trip for quite some time. John had been to Europe before and he wanted to share this experience with me. It was a glorious trip. We stayed for three weeks and the memories lasted a lifetime.

At Longleet Castle in England

At Longleet Castle in England

Getting ready to get on the Hovercraft to cross from Dover to France

Geneva, Switzerland

In a photo booth in Switzerland

On the boat crossing the water back to England from France. It was too windy for the Hovercraft to operate.

I hate that our tomorrows are over

I found my someone

And I did fall in love with him.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

From both of us.
I so appreciate all you did for us.
And I miss you.

One of my favorites

This is one of my favorite pictures of John. We were camping in New England and waiting in line for food and I caught this picture of him. John was in his 40's. So handsome. I was a very lucky woman.

No payoff

As the days tick down to John's four year anniversary I feel myself getting sadder and sadder. I expected it but it's still hard. And I am actually a little surprised by how sad I am. I guess I expected this to get easier with time but that is not how it is.
All my life I have worked at things with the expectation of something good happening. Work hard in school and you get good grades. Do well in nursing school and you will get your license and a good job. Do a good job and you get a promotion and a raise.
Be a good and loving person and find your love and have a happy life.
Grieve - and you get more of the same. There is no payoff for grief. You don't get to do grief and be done with it and then go back to your happy life. That life is over. There is no going back. John is not coming back in this life. My only option is going to him when the time comes.
And some days I just can't wait. This life holds nothing for me. I have never considered myself suicidal but I can certainly understand the feeling.

May

May is here. The month I have dreaded.

Sedona AZ 1999