Grief sucks

I envy people who can bounce back. Or seem to. I am told grief after sudden loss is different, harder, more traumatic. That is true. But I wonder sometimes if there is something wrong with me. Should I be better at this after four years? My therapist wants me to "let John go", to be open to another relationship, that it is too hard to stay alone for the rest of my life.
She's right. I don't want to be alone. I hate being alone. It IS very hard. But I don't think being with someone new is the answer. I want John. I miss J.O.H.N.
I know I am lonely. I am terribly, horribly lonely.
I feel very brittle lately. I feel like I could break into a hundred million little sharp tiny pieces and it would take very little to do so.
But I have no idea what I can do about it. Nothing helps.
Maybe it's a shortcoming on my part. Maybe all this soul-searching, inner contemplation is just a bunch of hooey. Maybe I am just defective.
Or maybe not.
I have no idea any more.

Happy Father's Day, Sweetheart!

John was the best father to our furbabies. He loved them so much. And me.
He just loved his family and there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for us.

John and Willie 1987

 

John and baby Jessie 1999

John and Toby 2008

Memory lane

November 1947
John - 4 years old with his younger brother David

Summer 1957
John - 14 years old and already working - and tall!

Hawaii 2000

No beard

Still handsome. This was taken July 1999.

Stupid people piss me off

A casual friend [she is a fellow author] lost her son to sudden death [a heart attack] a few months ago. She is obviously still struggling. Grief is very hard. Last evening she posted that if she had a heart attack right then, she wouldn't be sorry.
She did not say she was suicidal. She was just giving voice to the hurt she was feeling. Someone actually had the gall to say she was being histrionic. Others said things like she had "more to give" and other useless platitudes.
Why can't people just acknowledge another's pain and just be there for them?
It made me so angry.
I don't know what it is like to lose a son. But I know what it feels like to lose John and it's awful.
I sent her a note that I hoped helped, even a little. I can't make her feel better. But at least I can try to not make her feel worse.
I wish others would do the same.

A sign

This weekend has been very hard. So I asked John for a sign that he is still with me.
And I got it.
Last night I was watching TV, an episode of "Signed, Sealed, Delivered". The episode ended with a wedding and they played Paul Stookey's "Wedding Song". It was one of our all-time favorite songs. We had it played at our Church Wedding.
Once, John and I were coming home and it was playing on the car radio. We arrived home before the song was over and we actually sat in the garage with the radio on until the song ended. It was always special to us.
So I know John sent that to me last night.
Thank you, Sweetheart.