Dreams

I woke up feeling so happy this morning. It lasted for several seconds. In fact, I couldn't understand why I was feeling the way I did. The feeling was foreign yet familiar.
Foreign because I haven't felt that way in a long time. Familiar because that was the way I woke up every day for over 30 years.
It was that old feeling that all was right with the world. It was a feeling of comfort.
Then I remembered what I had been dreaming just before waking up.
I was dreaming of John and home. The dream was silly by waking standards. It was full of mismatched shoes and the cats being funny. But John had been in the dream and the setting was here, in this house, and it was everyday stuff and it was normal. We had been talking and laughing and it had felt so good.
And it was that good feeling that lingered in those first few seconds of waking up.
And then I realized the truth.
John isn't here.
Nothing is familiar and nothing is normal.
Oh, but those seconds had felt so good.
And I'm grateful to have had that, even in dreams.
It reminds me of how good I had it.
And how good I will have it again when we are reunited.

My parents' 70th wedding anniversary

Today would have been my parents' 70th wedding anniversary. Or should I say, it IS my parents' 70th wedding anniversary.
But my father passed away in 2014 so they can not celebrate it together.
Yet, they had over 68 years together as husband and wife.
What I would have given for that gift. What a blessing to share that much time together on this Earth.
I treasure what I did have and I know it was happy and special.
But I can't help but wonder what that would feel like.

Six years today

Six years ago, early in the morning, I woke up to find my world shattered, never to be the same ever again.
The years drift by and I can only focus on being with you again.
I love you, John, and I miss you so much.

As your anniversay gets closer

I am missing you so much.

A comforting Hello

I was injured on Saturday. The details are not important and it was nothing life-threatening although it was potentially damaging and very hurtful at the time.
My point is I was feeling very vulnerable and alone. And wishing John were with me.
But I wasn't. I had to soldier on alone. As I drove back home, trying to keep it together so that I could just get myself and Bella back into the house, I prayed.
Then I happened to look over at the digital clock on my dashboard.
It read 4:43. That is John's birth month and year. He often has that pop up when he wants to say hello to me. It happens far too often to be just a coincidence.
So I knew in that moment that he was telling me I wasn't alone, that he was there, that he loved me and I was going to be okay. He was with me.
I was still hurting but my heart was lifted and that made a big difference.
In 8 days it will be 6 years since John passed. It's still hard and I still feel sad but these little Hello's keep me going.
Thank you, John. I love you.

Amazing Grace in Cherokee

John found out later in life that he was part Native American. We were never sure what tribe he belonged to but we suspected Cherokee because it came from his Oklahoma ancestors on his father's side and the Cherokee were common in that area.
I also learned through past life regression that John and I shared at least two Native American lives together which probably partly explains our love of this part of the country and our love of the outdoors and the forests. John introduced me to camping and I loved it from the very start.
So, this is for you - for us -, Sweetheart.

Happy Mothers Day, Mom!

Missing you a lot lately, Mom.
You weren't my mother but you treated me as your own daughter and I am so grateful for that.  We shared a wonderful bond. You were one of the many gifts John gave me.
Missing you. Love you.