Monday, March 26, 2012

The nature of grief

Losing a soul mate to death is a different loss from a mother or sister, etc. I read somewhere that when two people in love live together for a long period of time their bodies actually become in sync with each other. The heart puts out an electrical field which is measurable and it intertwines with the electrical field of the other loved one and when that is gone, the body knows it and feels the loss. So it is a true amputation. Whether sudden or slow, the loss is real both emotionally and physically. Before I felt whole. Now I feel like a hole.
And yet none of that gives me any consolation. All it does is tell me what I am feeling is real and not something I am making up or because I am weak in some way.
I find myself counting down to John’s second anniversary. Our date is May 24th and it is OUR date in every sense - we lost each other physically. I am trying to fill my life with worthwhile endeavors but none of it really ignites my soul. I wonder if anything ever will. Even the mundane was good before because I was sharing it with my best friend and lover. Now everything is just “eh”.
The other day I woke up from a dream about John and immediately thought “I need to ask him…” and then I realized again that he was gone and the pain was horrible.
This weekend has not been good – 22 months, 96 weeks and no end in sight. That’s the worst thing – there is no prize for grieving. No reward. I do not get my Love back if I do this right.

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