Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Loss of hope

I have reached that “what’s the point” stage of grief and I find it hard to move past this. 
It’s almost as if a part of my mind/heart thought this would be over. That somehow John would be back. Now that I have reached the three year mark, I know this loss is true and not going to change. 
And even though I know and feel that John is still with me in the only way he can be right now, it’s not enough and it doesn’t change the day to day constant feeling of loss. The future just yawns out in front of me and I see and feel nothing of interest. 
I have tried. 
I really think I have given it a good try but there is no spark. 
I go through the motions. I get things done. I have even done things that look future-oriented. I’m taking classes, I got a new puppy. I meet friends for meals. I visit family back East. I go to movies and I shop. 
But in the end there is no true feeling of inner deep happiness. That all ended when John passed. When John was here anything and everything was wonderful – even enjoying the simple act of watching the cats play. That feeling of “us” was all I needed. Now I am just me and it’s not enough.
My therapist wants me to get out and develop a new network of friends. My heart just isn't in it.

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