29 Months

I miss the ordinary, every day stuff with John the most.

Missing you, John. Wait for me.

SHOULD YOU GO FIRST

Should you go first and I remain to walk the road alone,
I'll live in memories' garden, dear, with happy days we've known,
In spring, I'll watch for roses red when fades the lilac blue,

In early fall when brown leaves call,
I'll catch a glimpse of you.

Should you go first and I remain for battles to be fought,
Each thing you've touched along the way will be a hallowed spot.
I'll hear your voice, I'll see your smile, though blindly I may grope,
The memory of your helping hand will buoy me on with hope.

Should you go first and I remain to finish with the scroll,
No lengthening shadows shall creep in to make this life seem droll.
We've known so much of happiness, we've had our cup of joy,
But memory is one gift of God that death cannot destroy.

Should you go first and I remain, one thing I'd have you do,
Walk slowly down that long, long path, for soon I'll follow you.
I want to know each step you take, that I may walk the same;
For some day down that lonely road, you'll hear me call your name.

Author Unknown

Another loss

A dear friend to me and John passed away this morning.

John and I have known Brenda since 1984. She adored John and was very sad when she learned of his passing. I wonder if she is able to visit with him now.
I'm jealous.
Rest in peace, Brenda.
Tell my Love I said Hi.

Another Hello from John

I visited a dear friend in North Carolina this past week. The visit was great but as all visits do, it came to an end.
So Tuesday morning, my friend pulled out of her driveway to take me to the airport for my trip home.

I was nervous about flying. I always am. And I was sad to be going home.

As we pulled away from her house, I glanced over to the house next door. On the side of the house were the numbers 1978. Obviously the address. But it also just happens to be the year John and I first became a couple.

I smiled. John was definitely letting me know he was there with me.

Then, it seemed that there was some confusion regarding my gate number at the airport. The baggage people told me one gate and the departure monitor said another. 

So I went in search of a help desk but couldn't find one. But there was a man nearby dressed in what appeared to be an airport uniform talking to a woman dressed the same way. He sensed my confusion and asked me if I needed help. He was very friendly and had a great smile. I explained my dilemma and he nodded understanding. He immediately pulled out his cell phone and called Customer Service. We got our answer and he smiled at me once again and kind of turned and pointed me in the right direction. "There you go," he said.

His smile was so kind, so infectious and I felt such kindness from him.

But while he was making the call, I knew everything was going to be OK. His badge said "John C." 

What were the odds?

Thank you, John.

I feel empty

Last week for reasons too complicated and unneccesary to go into now, I had to take John's name off the electric bill and put the bill in my name. A simple thing. Maybe something no one would think twice about. But it set me off on a two day meltdown.
And I think I am still feeling the effects of it.
Then today I was in Starbuck's and for a fraction of a second someone outside the window looked a teeny tiny bit like John and I could feel my heart jump. For that one split second, my heart thought it was him.
And then it came crashing down to the floor when my mind kicked in.
This hurts and stinks and sucks and every other unhappy word I can think of.