Wednesday, November 30, 2011

My John

I found this on Facebook today and posted it on my wall.
I was one of the lucky ones. John was every one of those things.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving, Sweetheart!

Eighteen months ago today you left this world. I woke up to find you had left this Earth while I slept. It still seems surreal after all this time. But you are here with me in spirit I know and you are always in my heart. Yet, as Kris Kristofferson says in his immortal song "Me and Bobby McGee":

But I'd trade all of my tomorrows for just one yesterday
To be holding Bobby's body next to mine.

I would give up everything to have you back for one day.
So on this day of Thanksgiving I want to say Thank you to you for the life we shared and to God for giving that life to us.

Monday, November 21, 2011

A year and a half

Today is a hard day. None of the grief books mentioned this anniversary. They talk about birthdays, and wedding anniversaries, one year, etc but no one mentioned a year and a half as being anything of significance.
But it is.
Today marks 78 weeks. 52 weeks [a year] plus 26 weeks [half a year] = 78 weeks.
A year and a half since John passed.
And it's hard.
I'm sad. And crying. And missing him so much.
Why is this day harder? I don't know. Maybe it means that the next anniversary will be two years and that means he's really not coming back. Maybe my heart is beginning to really and finally understand what this means.
All I know is that I ache for John to just walk in the door and smile and say "Well, that was different. Want to go to dinner?" And he would hold me and kiss me and laugh. And I would laugh. And cry but they would be tears of joy.
And all would be right with the world again.
Instead all I have are Joy's tears.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Grief hits

This has been a tough week. I have been working on selling the antique car parts that John was working on before he died as well as some of his tools and going through everything and seeing everything gone over and in some cases taken apart, sent a knife through my heart. It triggered a meltdown. Crying. Sobbing. Sadness. Aching in my heart. Misery. Total misery. It was as if the last almost 18 months hadn't happened and John's passing was right now. All over again.
I understand these grief outbursts are common and normal but it doesn't make it any easier. And knowing what grief is and how it unfolds doesn't really help either.
It is what it is, I guess and will happen no matter what.
My therapist told me once that the intensity of my grief is equal to the intensity of my love. I guess there is solace in that.
Would I have wanted to have less love in order to have less grief? No. Definitely not.
I am so grateful and happy for what John and I had. I would never want to not have that. If this is the price then I will gladly pay it.
But I would be less than honest if I didn't admit to feeling cheated. We wanted old age together. We talked about what that would mean for us. How we would care for each other. What we would do. Where we would go. How we would spend that time.
And it won't happen now.
We loved each other in every stage of our life. We wanted that final stage. It's been cut short and I am angry about that. I saw Clint Eastwood on TV last week. A man who is 80 years old and still vibrant, still sexy, still handsome in his older years because of what is in his head and heart.
I envision John would have aged that way too. I thought John was handsome when he was younger and he became more handsome as he aged. He was beautiful inside and out. I would have loved to have shared that stage of life with him. To care for your love as you both age to me is the epitome of love.
I miss that.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

More pictures, more memories

Going through some more pictures this afternoon and scanning them in so I will have them. Eventually I want to make a DVD of these. I'm so glad I have all these pictures but it is also very sad to go through them. I miss John so much.
John and Willie 1986 
Us in uniform November 1987
Our Church Wedding March 1988