Monday, December 24, 2012

Christmas in Heaven

Now they are all together.
Wish I was there too.
Hug each other for me.
I love you.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Don't Give Up

My new mantra.
This past week I have had the sad duty of saying good-bye to my mother-in-law. She fell ill right after John passed away and I have cared for her ever since. We were close before but became even closer these past two plus years. I watched her slowly deteriorate and this past month she went Home.
Last week I brought her back to Texas to be buried next to her sweet husband as she wanted.
While I waited for my friend to come to my hotel to accompany me to the funeral I turned on Pandora on my iPad and this was the first song that played.

That was a definite message.
I felt John with me during the service.
I miss Mom. I miss John more than ever now. Mom was my last earthly link to him. It was heaven to listen to her talk about her early years and how she and Dad sang professionally and what the kids were like when they were little. I miss her smile. I miss how her face brightened when she saw me come into the room when I visited.
I am jealous that she gets to visit with John now. I told her to give him a big hug and a kiss from me. She promised she would.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Trying to grow

I know Yoda said "Do or do not. There is no try." But for now, I think trying is all I can muster.
I spent the weekend in Sedona and I think I felt a shift. I'm not sure where this is going but there might be some rays of peace coming.
I hope so.
Still missing John. And I know I always will.
And I know being sad is OK.
Someone asked me last week if there was some way I can get out of depression. I think that person misinterprets sadness for depression. I am not depressed. I am doing things. I am accomplishing things. I am making plans for things in the future. Those are not the signs of someone who is depressed.
But I do experience sadness. I miss John. I miss our life. I miss that we will not grow old together.
And that isn't going to change.
And I don't feel that I should have to defend those feelings either.
I feel stronger than before and probably not as strong as I will eventually become.
Baby steps.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Christmas in Heaven

Wishing I was there with John .........


There's no getting around it. The Christmas season is just plain painful. It was so great when John was here - decorating, celebrating, buying for each other. Now it's a day I wish away.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Today's radio present from John

Wondering if John is still with me, still loves me, missing him so much and then this showed up in my car.