Saturday, October 24, 2015

Feeling sad

This has been a tough week. I am still struggling with the aftermath of the car accident this past August. I am fine, thank God. But the insurance company of the moron who hit me is refusing to pay the proper amount for the diminished value to my car. So, I am now dealing with appraisals and attorneys and trying to decide the best way to go that won't end up costing me money. Somehow, it doesn't seem fair that I am the one suffering the damage yet I am also the one who must spend money in order to be made whole.
Then I am having roof issues. I had the roof retiled last year. In order to save on supply costs we salvaged the good tiles which amounted to 60% of what was there. Then we replaced the rest. Of course, finding tiles to match wasn't going to happen so we painted the entire roof a nice color when it was done. It looked beautiful - until this year when I noticed paint chipping off. After a complaint to the company they decided the paint was defective and repainted at no cost to me. All well and good but that meant scraping off all the old paint. What a mess! Paint chips everywhere - in the pool, in the landscaping, staining the pool deck and some parts of the house. I am beyond upset. They claim they will clean it up but also already stated not all of it will be able to be picked up.So, again, I will have to go to the mat to get compensated.
So I had a good cry for myself yesterday. Wished with all my heart that John was here. I could so use one of his hugs and hearing him tell me it will be all right.
I worry I am not taking care of the house properly. I find myself worrying about everything lately and realizing that I am not getting better in that area.
I have never been alone like this. I went from my home as a child and teen to nursing school to serious boyfriend to marriage number one and then to John.
Now, I am utterly alone. Not even family to fall back on.
It's scary.
My therapist thinks I should be "open" to another relationship. Is that everyone's answer to everything?
Yes, I hate being alone but being with someone doesn't necessarily make you any less alone if it's not who you want to be with.
And I know in the scheme of things, I still have it pretty good. I have no right to complain.
So, now I pile guilt on top.
I don't know what's more of a mess - me or the house.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

I'll see you again, my Love

I have never heard this song before today. But as I was driving in my car today and feeling sad, this song played on Pandora. It was a message, I know. I will see John again and he was telling me so.
Thank you, Sweetheart.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Yes, signs

It is the signs that John sends me that helps me go on. He shows me almost daily that he is still alive, and with me. Our loved ones are always with us. Love and life don't end. Death is only a transition. It is birth to the Other Side.

Thursday, October 1, 2015


I've been ruminating about a situation with my car lately [short version: I was rear-ended back in August and am now battling with the offender's insurance company to recover diminished value on my car].

As I drove to my chiropractor's office this week, I was again worrying about the outcome. As I got out of my car, a beautiful dragonfly buzzed around me. In fact, he slammed right into my driver's side door after I got out of the car. I thought that was odd but he flew away, only to return a second later and buzz me again. So, I paid attention.
Often, dragonflies are considered signs from loved ones. Maybe John was trying to tell me to not worry?
Then, I took a step forward and there, sticking out of the front lawn was a large black feather, considered again to be another sign.

Message received.