Tuesday, February 28, 2012

John's Garden

I recently added some plants to John's Garden.
I think it looks very nice, very peaceful.
I hope John likes it.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

21 Months

Friday February 24th marked 21 months. Twice - on Friday and Saturday - I made plans to sit down and write about it and twice I fell asleep and woke up after midnight. Guess a part of me didn't want to think about it too much although I know I thought about it all day that day and since.
On the surface it was an ordinary day. I went to the Fountain Hills Fair with a friend and bought some things. I cleaned the front and back yards. I shopped for groceries. I ran some errands. That night I went out with friends for dinner. But I didn't forget.
Am I dwelling on it too much? What is too much? And who can expect me to forget what this date means?
No answers. No profound thoughts.
Just sadness. Some anger at what we were denied. What will never be.
And a big hole where my heart used to be.

Thursday, February 23, 2012


The Internet can give you all kinds of definitions and reasons for flashbacks. Simply, they are intrusive thoughts, reoccurrences of a memory, usually traumatic, that pop back into your head unbidden. I had them a lot right after John passed away. The vision of finding him already gone was burned into my mind and haunted me. Then with time and help from a therapist I was able to make peace with the vision and it wasn't so hurtful. I thought I had the situation under control.
Silly me.
I was back in New York this past weekend visiting family. The same family John and I were visiting when he died. I was in the same apartment where we had laughed and shared happy times, the same house where we had our last meal together, where he told me I needed to take care of myself because he did not want to be here without me, where we took pictures so we would remember the good time.
And then the mental pictures came back. The sight of John gone from me forever, the feeling of complete devastation of knowing he was irretrievably gone. I could hear the sirens as the ambulance sped through the street to our hotel. I could hear my own screams in the room. I remembered it all in searing detail. The panic and the fear and the sadness. The all engulfing sadness. A sadness that brings you to your knees. A sadness that comes from a place so deep in your soul you didn't even know it existed until then. All of it has returned.
It will probably subside again. But right now it has me beaten. I try not to dwell on those memories. I want to remember John in happy times. I want to remember all our good times together.
Our life together was good. The best.
But those flashbacks are tearing me apart.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012


I dream, of the place where I will one day see your face again.
Where all our worries and pain disappear and all we feel is immeasurable bliss.

I dream, that you will wrap your arms around me and show me around the magnificent utopia you have been residing in and it will feel better than home.

I know this dream will someday be a reality, and though it cannot come fast enough, I will wait with endless anticipation to meet you in our dreamland.


Monday, February 13, 2012

Scanned more pictures today

In the Poconos on our second honeymoon after our Church Wedding - 1988

In the Bahamas - 1990
Cruising - 1987
How can it be 90 weeks already?

Sunday, February 12, 2012

The Wedding Song - There is Love

This was a favorite of John and me. We always stopped and listened to it whenever we heard it. I remember once when we were coming home and it was playing on the car radio. We just sat in the car in the driveway and listened to it until the end.
We had it sung at our Wedding.

I love that look on John's face. I always felt so loved. I still do. I love you, Baby.

Friday, February 10, 2012

My flowers from John

Our loved ones in spirit send us messages all the time. But we have to be open and listen.
John knew I loved it when he gave me flowers. When we first started courting he would bring me a single red rose every Friday - on our weekly anniversary.
Flowers from John were special. They always made me smile and were a tangible symbol of his love.
I was in Costco today and as I passed the fresh flowers I was drawn to the roses. I was feeling in my heart that John wanted me to have flowers for Valentine's Day, something he would do if he were here physically. So I picked out some beautiful peach-colored ones, knowing he was smiling at my choice.
Thank you, Sweetheart. I love them. And you.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Tomorrow Never Came

John in front of our first house 1984
For years this song always made me cry. It made me realize how much John and I loved each other and how heartbreaking it would be to be without each other.  But even those thoughts and those tears never prepared me for what it really feels like to be without him in this world now.  But I can soothe myself somewhat knowing that we always made sure the other knew how much he/she was loved. I never doubted John's love for a minute and I hope with all my heart he knew how much I loved him [and still love him] and how much he meant to me. How much he still means to me.