Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Music always played for us

Johnny Mathis singing "How Do You Keep the Music Playing" in concert in 1988.
This is one of our favorites by Johnny Mathis. John and I saw him live several times and enjoyed him every time. This song touched us especially. True love never gets old. It gets better with time.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Couples Dying within Hours of Each Other

I have been reading a lot lately about married couples who have been together for many many years dying within hours of each other. How I wish that had been us.
John told me just hours before he passed away that he did not want to be here without me. Odd that he should have said that. He was trying to encourage me to take care of my elevated cholesterol and I promised him that I would.
Yet, here I am without him. And I don't want that either.
But there is nothing I can do about it.
And it hurts.
How I wish we could have been like those old couples who were together in death just as they were together in life.
I remember the night that John died as I cried to my friend that I wanted to die. I still do.
I want to be with John. Everything here is meaningless. I try to tempt myself with thoughts that I still have work to do and that may be true but nothing is as compelling to me as leaving here and being back with my soul mate.
John and I weren't married as many years as the old couples in the article were but we were as close. And nothing would please me more than to close my eyes and see him again and know that we were not going to be separated ever again.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

20 Months today

Twenty months today. So close to two years. And it still doesn't seem real. I still miss John so much. Still yearn for one more hug, one more kiss, one more chance to say I love you, see his smile, hear his laugh, feel his touch.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Things are happening the way they are supposed to

"Things are happening the way they are supposed to." That was John's favorite saying.
I agreed with him but I always thought it meant that the Universe was allowing things to happen so that we could learn and grow. That it was something "out there".
Now I have a different perspective.
I just finished reading a wonderful book called Your Soul's Plan by Robert Schwartz. It talks about pre-birth planning and how we as eternal loving souls plan what we are going to experience in this life and other souls from our "family/group" agree to participate and play certain roles in order to help us with our life lessons.
Now John's favorite saying takes on new meaning for me. "Things are happening the way they are supposed to."
Was John telling me that he and I agreed to this? That he has finished his plan now and I am still here to complete mine? If that is the case, it gives me a measure of peace. Nothing bad is happening. Things are just happening as we agreed to and when he and I are together again, all will be well.
And if I just reach out with my heart and soul with love, we can still reach each other. He is only a thought away. We are still together and we are doing this together. Just as we planned.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

John's phone

I cancelled John's cell phone account today. I had been keeping it live for...I'm not sure what. I sort of thought I would use it for the non-profit I started but why would I want to carry two phones? And it didn't make sense to pay for it every month if it wasn't being used.
But still I kept charging it and every so often a telemarketer would call and his ring tone would ring and I could pretend.
Now, it's official. John doesn't need his phone anymore. It's one more way my heart has to admit he's gone from this world.
The customer service rep asked me why I wanted to cancel the service and I told her. Then she was sorry for asking and apologized.  She transferred me to another rep who was also very nice to me and offered condolences and of course I started crying then. He actually took $50 off my bill just because he wanted to do something for me. Which  made me cry even more. I could barely get the "Thank you" out.
There really are nice people in this world.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Missing my soul mate

“There is no sweat and toil in a relationship with a soul mate, only pleasure. Every meal is a picnic, and every day is a holiday when you have a soul mate. Your world of hurt becomes a garden of peace when you have a soul mate.” Dr. Alvin’s Narratives of Wisdom 31:8-10 ©

Sunday, January 8, 2012

85 Weeks

It’s very hard to think of the future. It just kind of yawns in front of me. I try to put things out there to look forward to but they all fall flat. John and I enjoyed even the simplest of things together but they were fun because we were doing it together. So many times we told each other “I love my life.” and we meant it. Our life was so good because we had each other. Now it’s just …life. Today marks 85 weeks for me. But it still feels like it just happened. The grief overwhelms me at times. It will never be OK that John is gone. And if I stop and think about the true reality of what John’s gone-ness means I feel as if I will break apart. The sadness is so deep.

Friday, January 6, 2012

This new year, this same grief

This new year is only one week old and already I feel it dragging. The question is why? What is it dragging to?
I think the problem is that I feel no future. Despite the many things I throw in my path, at the bottom of it all, nothing truly inspires me. Nothing will bring John back and if I stop and think about what that truly means, I feel my heart will stop - and part of me wishes it would.
Maybe I am weak because I can't get beyond this point. I can't move forward from this all-wrenching sadness.
But how do you move forward from what was near perfect in your life and now is abruptly gone?