Thursday, May 29, 2014

Stupid people piss me off

A casual friend [she is a fellow author] lost her son to sudden death [a heart attack] a few months ago. She is obviously still struggling. Grief is very hard. Last evening she posted that if she had a heart attack right then, she wouldn't be sorry.
She did not say she was suicidal. She was just giving voice to the hurt she was feeling. Someone actually had the gall to say she was being histrionic. Others said things like she had "more to give" and other useless platitudes.
Why can't people just acknowledge another's pain and just be there for them?
It made me so angry.
I don't know what it is like to lose a son. But I know what it feels like to lose John and it's awful.
I sent her a note that I hoped helped, even a little. I can't make her feel better. But at least I can try to not make her feel worse.
I wish others would do the same.

Monday, May 26, 2014

A sign

This weekend has been very hard. So I asked John for a sign that he is still with me.
And I got it.
Last night I was watching TV, an episode of "Signed, Sealed, Delivered". The episode ended with a wedding and they played Paul Stookey's "Wedding Song". It was one of our all-time favorite songs. We had it played at our Church Wedding.
Once, John and I were coming home and it was playing on the car radio. We arrived home before the song was over and we actually sat in the garage with the radio on until the song ended. It was always special to us.
So I know John sent that to me last night.
Thank you, Sweetheart.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Four years

Four years ago today, our world changed. I miss you so much, John. I love you, my Baby.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Europe 1985

I scanned some pictures from our trip to Europe today. It was September 1985. John was 42 years old and I was 37. We had just sold the first house John and I had bought together and John had just graduated from nursing school. We had talked about taking this trip for quite some time. John had been to Europe before and he wanted to share this experience with me. It was a glorious trip. We stayed for three weeks and the memories lasted a lifetime.
At Longleet Castle in England

At Longleet Castle in England

Getting ready to get on the Hovercraft to cross from Dover to France

Geneva, Switzerland

In a photo booth in Switzerland

On the boat crossing the water back to England from France. It was too windy for the Hovercraft to operate.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Friday, May 9, 2014

One of my favorites

This is one of my favorite pictures of John. We were camping in New England and waiting in line for food and I caught this picture of him. John was in his 40's. So handsome. I was a very lucky woman.

Monday, May 5, 2014

No payoff

As the days tick down to John's four year anniversary I feel myself getting sadder and sadder. I expected it but it's still hard. And I am actually a little surprised by how sad I am. I guess I expected this to get easier with time but that is not how it is.
All my life I have worked at things with the expectation of something good happening. Work hard in school and you get good grades. Do well in nursing school and you will get your license and a good job. Do a good job and you get a promotion and a raise.
Be a good and loving person and find your love and have a happy life.
Grieve - and you get more of the same. There is no payoff for grief. You don't get to do grief and be done with it and then go back to your happy life. That life is over. There is no going back. John is not coming back in this life. My only option is going to him when the time comes.
And some days I just can't wait. This life holds nothing for me. I have never considered myself suicidal but I can certainly understand the feeling.

Thursday, May 1, 2014