Thursday, February 22, 2018

Happy birthday, Mom!

Today would have been Mom's (John's mother) 95th birthday.
Happy birthday, Mom!
Thank you for being you and for taking such good care of me.
I miss you.
Please give John a hug and a kiss from me.
Holding newborn baby John

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Monday, February 12, 2018

Answer to my prayer

I have been missing John a lot lately and needing to feel him near me. I asked him last night to show me he is still here with me.
This morning as I walked the dog in the back yard I looked up at the night sky. It was still dark but dawn was right around the corner. As I looked up at the stars, one of them just winked out. And then another.
Maybe it was a cloud passing across the sky. Maybe it was because the light was changing in preparation for sunrise although it was still dark but maybe not dark enough for stars.
And then a song lyric spontaneously popped into my head.
"And one by one the stars would all go out and you and I would simply fly away."
I felt I needed to find out what song that was. I just knew it had meaning.
As I walked into the house another line just popped into my head.
"If a man could be two places at one time I'd be with you. Tomorrow and today."
Then I knew.
This song was a message from John.
He was answering my request from last night.
I quickly went to my computer and did a search for those lyrics.
What came back was the beautiful song If by Bread.
Thank you, John.
Thank you for answering my prayer.
Thank you for reassuring me.
I love you.

Monday, February 5, 2018

Looking for the gift

As I mentioned in my last post, I am experiencing a health challenge right now. And I would be lying if I said I wasn't concerned and a little scared. In the past, John was always here to hold my hand and erase my fears with one of his wonderful hugs. So, traveling this road alone is new for me and not without some anxiety.
But I have been determined to soldier on. And because of that I have been forced to look elsewhere for support. And that has led me to some new insights that I do not believe were just coincidences. In fact, I now think that was a hidden gift in this experience.
Let me explain.
After John transitioned, my need for connection with him led me to a new level in my spiritual life that I would never have attained had it not been for his passing. In my book, I spoke about how that was just one of the gifts he gave me.
But I admit, over the years, even though I still learned at every opportunity - and there were many - there have been times in the last couple of years that I may have gotten a bit complacent. I know in the last few months, for example, I was not meditating as much as I had been before or should be.
And then "this" happened.
In my quest for answers, I turned to God and to John and my Team. I started meditating again.
I took a step back and evaluated what was important in my life and what needed to be let go.
I asked John for advice and the message I heard in my head was "Get purer." interesting comment. John was very fond of saying "Things are happening the way they are supposed to." He didn't push against things. Instead, he let things roll off his back. He was very forgiving. He prayed. Often.
Then I started meditating again and I asked for answers there too. The message was loud and clear.
And very similar.
Don't worry so much.
Let things go.
Practice the Serenity Prayer.
Do more of this (meditating).
Grief takes many forms. I have talked most often about grief as it relates to losing my soul mate but we humans grieve other losses too. Losing health is a loss that surely shakes us up and puts potholes where once we had a straight safe path.
So, once again, being shaken up has forced me to reassess and while I am not happy about my situation, I am trying, as I did when John passed, to look for a hidden gift in all of this.
No, I am not turning into Pollyanna. When a bad thing happens, it sucks. "This" sucks. No getting around that.
But I am also not going to waste the opportunity to use this experience to my advantage. I am going to go back to my spiritual path and aim for serenity and peace.
It's a work in progress.