Monday, August 29, 2011

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Our Wedding Song

Thank you for needing me, my Love. I will always need you. You made my life complete.

Today is our 30th Wedding Anniversary

Happy Anniversary, Sweetheart. Today I became your wife. So proud and so happy. Today was a day that made us both happy. You were the best husband a woman could have had. You were perfect for me. You brought out the best in me. You always encouraged me. You helped me to become the best me I could be. I hope I made you as happy. I ache for what is no longer and I am incredibly sad that our life has changed this way now. I miss you so much. But I am so happy and so grateful for what we had. I love you, John.

Saturday, August 27, 2011


Tomorrow is our 30th Wedding Anniversary. You were always so proud of our marriage. It was so important to both of us. But I know you are here with me. Sending you love, my Sweetheart.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

15 Months

Today is the 24th of the month. Another month since John left. 15 months. It still seems like it just happened. I will never get used to this. And I miss John with every cell of my being. What I wouldn't give to be able to hold him once more. At least time past means less time ahead of me until we are together again.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

More happy pictures

John - starting nursing school - Fall 1983

Williamsburg 1983
Remodeling the kitchen of our first house 1983

Monday, August 22, 2011

More pictures, more happy memories

John with a lap full of cat - Smudge & BG - 1983
John's 40th birthday April 13, 1983

Us vacationing in the Poconos - 1983

Friday, August 19, 2011


I have never felt so utterly alone. And it's frightening.
Last night we had a monstrous rain storm. It's that time of year here in AZ. Before, John and I would have enjoyed the storm. John loved them. The more violent the better. He even taught the dogs to love them so we don't have the issues many dog owners have with fear of lightning and thunder.
But the rain was pretty intense and while it didn't frighten me it did concern me because of what I saw it doing to the house. At one point the air conditioner unit on the side of the house was making a scary screaming noise and then I noticed the roof was leaking in our bedroom. I went outside on the deck and noticed a small flood.
It was at that point that I felt the panic start to rise.
I prayed to God and asked John for help.
I turned the air conditioner off and that stopped the noise. And I put a towel under the leak. I found some pieces of wood that were blocking a drainage hole that John had built into the deck and cleared the area and the water drained out.
I turned the air conditioner back on after the storm and it didn't seem to be making that noise any more so I left it on.
Today I will call the air conditioner people and see if the unit needs to be checked. I'll call the landscapers and see about getting the gutters cleaned out. I think that will solve the roof issue.
I know I can do this but it's still frightening. John was the clear-headed calm one. He was the problem solver. He knew how to do everything. And it wasn't scary when he was here. I trusted him and I knew between the two of us we could handle things. As long as we were together, life was doable.
Now, it's frightening and scary and I hate that he's not here. Not because I can't take care of myself. I know in my heart I can. It's just one more way I have to realize that he is not here and it stinks and it sucks and it's horrible. Because I still love him and I miss him with all my heart.
I would live on the street if I could be with him again.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Such wonderful memories

I spent a good part of the afternoon scanning in old photos from our life. John and I were so lucky. We traveled a lot and had wonderful times together. And I took lots of pictures. They weren't all great but at least I have them now. And through the wonder of Photoshop I was able to preserve them because a lot of them are fading with age.
Us at our friends' wedding 1982 - John was Best Man
John in the Living Room of our first house 1982
Us camping 1982
Visiting Monticello in VA 1982

Thursday, August 11, 2011

The W

You know those letters that signify your marital status? S M D W?
I hate that I have to check W now. Sometimes I don't. It feels like a betrayal. A finality I'm not ready to face.
Then today I had to fill out another form. The person [a secretary to my broker] had filled out most of the form and just wanted my signature. But I noticed where it asked for status she had checked S.
Man, that upset me. That was even worse than W. To deny that my marriage even existed. That all those years never happened. That was the ultimate betrayal.
I fixed it. I checked W and crossed out the S.
Even a W was better than an S.
My marriage happened. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I am a better person because of my marriage to John. I always will be.
I yearn to be an M again with him.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Away Down the River

Baby dry your eyes
There's no need to cry
Cause I'll see you again
It might be a while
Before you understand

I'm just away down the river
A hundred miles or more
Crossing over Jordan
To the other shore
I'll be standing waiting
With all who've gone before
I'm just away down the river
A hundred miles or more

Now the pictures on the wall
Will help you to recall
They're not there
To make you sad
But to remember
All the good times we had



When it's time to leave
You're gonna feel the mountain breeze
And the snow will fill the stream
And carry you to me