Fear

I have never felt so utterly alone. And it's frightening.
Last night we had a monstrous rain storm. It's that time of year here in AZ. Before, John and I would have enjoyed the storm. John loved them. The more violent the better. He even taught the dogs to love them so we don't have the issues many dog owners have with fear of lightning and thunder.
But the rain was pretty intense and while it didn't frighten me it did concern me because of what I saw it doing to the house. At one point the air conditioner unit on the side of the house was making a scary screaming noise and then I noticed the roof was leaking in our bedroom. I went outside on the deck and noticed a small flood.
It was at that point that I felt the panic start to rise.
I prayed to God and asked John for help.
I turned the air conditioner off and that stopped the noise. And I put a towel under the leak. I found some pieces of wood that were blocking a drainage hole that John had built into the deck and cleared the area and the water drained out.
I turned the air conditioner back on after the storm and it didn't seem to be making that noise any more so I left it on.
Today I will call the air conditioner people and see if the unit needs to be checked. I'll call the landscapers and see about getting the gutters cleaned out. I think that will solve the roof issue.
I know I can do this but it's still frightening. John was the clear-headed calm one. He was the problem solver. He knew how to do everything. And it wasn't scary when he was here. I trusted him and I knew between the two of us we could handle things. As long as we were together, life was doable.
Now, it's frightening and scary and I hate that he's not here. Not because I can't take care of myself. I know in my heart I can. It's just one more way I have to realize that he is not here and it stinks and it sucks and it's horrible. Because I still love him and I miss him with all my heart.
I would live on the street if I could be with him again.