Sunday, September 29, 2013


I was in my office yesterday and the cats were roaming around the house and playing. Just being cats. Running, chasing. And one of them must have jostled the laundry room door and it made that familiar noise it always made when John was coming in the house from the garage. The change in air pressure would make the laundry room door wiggle and when I heard it my heart would know he was home and all was well.
And yesterday for a fraction of a second my heart thought all was well again.
But it wasn't.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Dreams can be wonderful - waking up not so much

I fell asleep on the sofa this afternoon while reading and had a dream about John. In it, I needed to talk with him about something important. I remember feeling the urgency and asking him if we could talk. He said "Yes" and we should talk this evening. I remember feeling so relieved and looking forward to solving the problem.
And then I woke up and for a split second I felt so happy, so relieved and was actually looking forward to talking with him and solving the [dream] problem.
And then it hit me.
There was not going to be any talk and the problem wasn't the issue.
The problem was John isn't here.
John isn't here.
John isn't here.
The feeling of sadness and let down and pure utter loneliness when reality hit - I can't describe it.
I love dreaming about John. Even a crazy dream is time spent with him.
But oh how I miss him when I wake up.

Friday, September 13, 2013

20 years ago today

20 years ago this morning, John and I rolled into Fountain Hills, signed the mortgage on our house and moved into our home.
I can't believe it's been that long.
It was Labor Day week when we left. The movers arrived on Tuesday.
We left on Wednesday in our van - with our dog Willie, our 3 cats - Meow-Meow, Squeaker, and Smudge, and our parakeet Nikki that chirped for 2500 miles.
We stayed in Dayton, St Louis and Amarillo on the way.
We arrived in Flagstaff that Saturday.
We stayed in motels in Flag and Phoenix Sat/Sun and arrived in Fountain Hills on Monday morning.
Our furniture didn't arrive until Thursday so we camped out on the floor until then.
We spent a ton of money those first few days buying appliances and rugs and we enjoyed every minute of our new life. 
Moving to AZ was the best move we ever made. We never regretted it.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

More Hello's

I went to Mass this morning. The couple behind me reminded me of John's parents, especially the gentleman. He sounded just like Dad. When I realized that, I actually had a pang of sorrow. I can’t say that I ever really knew John's father well but hearing someone sound so much like him made me sad and I missed him. I guess I also missed the times that all of us spent together too.
And then I looked up and watched in amazement as a man entered wearing a shirt just like the one I picked out for John to wear in his casket. And then another man was wearing another shirt similar to another one John has. And then as I walked up to Communion, the man next to me was wearing another shirt just like another one of John's. Were those all just coincidences or were they hello’s from John? I want to believe they were. It made me sad but it made me feel good too and closer to John.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Scanned more pictures today

I loved John's beard but occasionally he would get tired of it and shave it off. He still looked so handsome.
In our kitchen Lehman PA March 1989
At a bed and breakfast inn July 1989