No payoff

As the days tick down to John's four year anniversary I feel myself getting sadder and sadder. I expected it but it's still hard. And I am actually a little surprised by how sad I am. I guess I expected this to get easier with time but that is not how it is.
All my life I have worked at things with the expectation of something good happening. Work hard in school and you get good grades. Do well in nursing school and you will get your license and a good job. Do a good job and you get a promotion and a raise.
Be a good and loving person and find your love and have a happy life.
Grieve - and you get more of the same. There is no payoff for grief. You don't get to do grief and be done with it and then go back to your happy life. That life is over. There is no going back. John is not coming back in this life. My only option is going to him when the time comes.
And some days I just can't wait. This life holds nothing for me. I have never considered myself suicidal but I can certainly understand the feeling.