33 months today

How I miss that smile.

Sadness knows no boundaries

Mindy McCready died over the weekend. This was her last song. She had a sad life and knew heartbreak all too well. A month ago her love died. This song expresses her heartache and the heartache of all of us who have lost someone dear to us. But while I can understand suicide and how close one can come to that choice, I know it is not the answer. At least not for me. I have to fulfill my soul's plan. And I know I will be with John again.

If we're really telling the truth
things don't look the way that they used to
this conversation's long overdue
cause I can't look in through
cause we're all I knew

I was your sunlight, but now I’m just a shade
I was your blue sky, Now I’m just the rain
I was your favorite song, but Now I’m overplayed
If tomorrow’s gonna be the same
I’ll see you yesterday.
I’ll see you yesterday.

Let’s get lost in our memories
That’s the safest place we can be
If this is the end of our story,
I don’t wanna read it, I just wanna keep it, well.

I was your sunlight, but Now I’m just a shade
I was your blue sky, Now I’m just the rain
I was your favorite song, but Now I’m overplayed
If tomorrow’s gonna be the same
I’ll see you yesterday

I'll see you in my dreams
and in every single moment you meant something to me
Just like the photographs
I'd keep the very best
cause baby that's the way I will remember it

I was your sunlight, Now I’m just a shade
I was your blue sky, Now I’m just the rain
I was your favorite song, Now I’m overplayed
If tomorrow’s gonna be the same
Since tomorrow's gonna be the same
I’ll see you yesterday.
I’ll see you yesterday.

Happy Valentine's Day, John!

I love you and miss you so much.
Today is just a day without you.

John and I always loved to celebrateValentine's Day.

The start of a transition

I have felt a subtle shift in my perspective. Gradually I have been thinking more about future plans, accepting that I am going to be here for a while without John.
I know that accepting this doesn't mean that I am betraying John or that I am okay with his being gone from me physically. I know that and I know John knows that. I also know that he wants me to be the wife he knows and loves, the woman he admired. So, I am going to be that person again. John always told me how proud he was of my accomplishments, how he thought I was able to do so much. It wouldn't be right to let him [or myself] down now.
In a way, this makes me feel good. It gives me a purpose. To be the best I can be, for myself, for John.