Hold on

All of us who mourn are at different stages of our grief. And sometimes those who are newly mourning look to those of us who have trod this path longer for advice.

I was speaking a couple of weeks ago with a very dear friend whose husband had died only 2 weeks prior and the first thing she asked me was "Does this get better?" I couldn't lie to her. I told her "No, I can't say it gets better. But it does get easier."

Now, I wonder if that's even true.

 

I say this because I have been going through a tough time myself these last few weeks. I can't pin it on anything in particular although I have been having some losses not related to death. Maybe those losses are bringing back feelings related to John's death. I can't say for sure. All I know is that I have been sad. Really sad. And it's been 11+ years since John died. According to the "experts" [who the heck are they anyway?], I should be "over" this, no?

 

The answer? NO!

 

If I sit here too long and think, I will start crying. I know that because it happened a few days ago. Scared the dog, too.

 

I am saying all this because I want to tell anyone who is thinking they are doing this mourning thing wrong and that they should be "better" to give yourself a break. Grief never really ends.

But luckily, love never ends too.

 

My plan is to finish this cup of coffee and go meditate and then connect with John and feel his love.

We're all here to help each other. To reassure ourselves that we are not alone. We have each other and we have the love of those who have gone to the next dimension - our spouses, our friends, our parents, our children, our pets.

 

It's ok to be sad. And it's okay to not be okay. Right now I'm not okay and admitting that is hard. I am always the one who is there for everyone else. But I know I'll be ok again. In the meantime, I will feel these feelings even though they're not good feelings. And I will search for the love that I know is there.

 

Namaste.

One size grief does not fit all

Even though it has been several years since John has transitioned and I think, for the most part, I have come to terms with my new life and what it means for us that John and I are no longer on the same plane, I still read books about grief and coping because I am a firm believer in learning. Every little tidbit helps.
But I am seeing something else in all the books that I read (and I am referring here to those self-help books that speak to the every day issues of losing a loved one - not the spiritual/metaphysical ones).
Often it seems to me that even when these books are written by the grieving person themselves, they seem to feel that their experience can be translated to all grieving people and their advice is gospel.
Let me elaborate.
One of the books I read was about reclaiming life after the loss of a mate. The book was written by a widow who was married to the person she felt was the love of her life. They were married for 25 years, first marriage for both of them. She had been widowed for 10 years. And she was now in her early 50's, was in her early 40's obviously when she was widowed and was the mother of two teenagers at that time.
About 30% into the book she sneaked in the fact that she was now in a relationship with another man and had been for the past several years.
The plot thickens.......
Mind you, I am not critical of the fact that she was in a relationship. No one wants to be alone.
What I am critical of is that she assumes her situation can just be translated into all situations.
Yes, she had some good ideas that resonated with me. But overall she was speaking as a younger woman and what she was feeling did not necessarily apply to every other woman (or man, for that matter) in the same grief situation. She was still working, raising children, had her own home, a large support system, and was financially well-off.
Her philosophy was "get out there, seize the moment, remake yourself! You can do this! Rah! Rah! Rah!"
Compare that to an older woman whose children are grown, who might not have the same support network, who might be on a fixed income, facing deteriorating health and friends dying off, who has been with the love of her life for 60+ years.
Or a widow who was in her second marriage after having had a bad first marriage - and now has lost again.
Or the widower who has suffered other losses - maybe a job at the age of 50 and now is facing decreasing job opportunities because of his age and then loses the one person who meant the world to him and was the rock in his sea of sadness.
Or...
Or...
Or...
The examples are as endless as the people involved.
And that is just referring to widowhood.
What about someone who has lost a child?
A lifelong friend?
A parent?
My point is this. Yes, these self help books are useful. But those who write them need to step back for a moment and realize that what works for some does not work for all.
And I also know that the choices I make for me are not the choices another grieving person might make and that is also right - for them. It is not my place to criticize, judge, or preach.
Nor it is anyone else's.
Write the books. Give advice. Let your life be an example of possibilities.
Just not from your Mount Olympus on high as if you have all the answers.
Because you don't. You have one set of answers.
One size of healing does not fit all.
There are as many ways to move forward from loss as there are the people who move forward.
Namaste.