I'm feeling bah humbug

Feeling especially sad this Christmas which is probably why I forgot to post yesterday.

I miss our Christmases.

I miss John.

And being away from friends and family at this time of year makes it all the worse.

I decked my halls!

I didn't think I wanted to decorate for Christmas this year. Every year since John's passing it's been a struggle but with the pandemic more so right now. 

I figured what's the point? No one is coming over. I don't need decorations.

But as the days wore on and I got Christmas-bombarded from every side, I relented.

So yesterday I dragged out the tree etc and got to work. I actually found myself enjoying the work. I asked Alexa to play some Christmas music and she obliged. Within a couple of hours I had the tree up and decorated. I set to work in the dining room and spread some Christmas on the dining room table and the buffet table. I even decorated my front door - at least the Amazon delivery person will get to enjoy it. 😊

I was pretty pleased with myself. It was a good day.

But today I surprised myself even more. I actually had the urge to hang up our stockings. I haven't done that since Christmas 2009 - the last Christmas John and I celebrated before he died. 

So I went back out into the garage and opened the bins of older decorations - decorations I haven't touched in years. The decorations I use now were all purchased after John's passing. I couldn't bear to use the old ones. It was just too painful. But now I felt ready to go through them and search out the stockings we used to use. And there they all were - mine and John's and the pets we had then. All are gone now except for Riley and Chaz. I had made stockings for Sean and Bella (the pets I have acquired since John passed) but they have never been hung. But they had been placed in the bin, too, for safekeeping. Maybe in my heart I knew I would eventually reach this moment.

So, our stocking are hung with care - even John's. It feels good to see them up again.

It might seem like a little thing but those who know grief will understand. This was a big step for me. The grief dance is not in a straight line. We go forward, falter, take a side-step, and go forward again. Today was a step forward.

Namaste.