Making a me John will be proud of

 

John was always my biggest supporter, my loudest cheerleader.

No matter what venture I decided to get myself into - and there were some weird ones over the years - he was there in my corner, encouraging me and telling me I could do anything I set my mind to.

Often, he was right. Whether it was selling crafts or entering nursing administration or writing books or starting my own legal nurse consulting business, John was there for me. He was my rock. When I needed courage and confidence and lacked my own, he gave me his. He bragged about me to his friends. He said I made him proud. He never discouraged me. I always heard "Go for it! You can do this! I believe in you. I love you."

I have struggled since his passing. Grief steals so much from you. But gradually, over the years as I have started to heal, I have felt the stirrings of self-worth return. I truly believe a lot of that is coming from John. As I try new things I still hear him in my heart saying "Go for it! You can do this! I believe in you. I love you."

Because I am now retired, I have had the time to put my energy into more creative ventures. And I have found I seem to have a knack for some things. It started with writing. I had already published two books before John died, and after he passed I wasn't sure I could write another word. But slowly things changed and as some of the heaviness of sorrow lifted, I wrote and published two more books and I have another one in the works. 

But then a funny thing happened. My creativity went in a direction I never expected it to. A few years ago I decided to try photography and not only enjoyed it but got compliments on my work.

And then the expression bug hit again last year and I decided to try my hand at painting. Watercolor to be specific. And again, I am receiving compliments and encouragement to keep at it.

My heart doesn't feel so sad when I am being creative. For a little while, it takes me out of my head and I feel a sense of peace. I like to believe John is still looking over my shoulder and smiling and still saying "Go for it! You can do this! I believe in you. I love you."

I want to continue to be someone he can be proud of.

Namaste.

I never tire of John's Hello's

The other day I was wrestling with a problem.

As I often do, I talked to John about it in my mind. This particular day I was out in the backyard with Bella. While she sniffed and enjoyed the yard, I continued to turn the problem over in my head, wondering what course to take. One outcome kept rolling around in my mind and I wondered if this was the answer. I took a few steps forward, looking down at the ground as I walked and then I saw it.

In fact, I was about to step on it. I could not believe my eyes.

There, right in front of me, was a beautiful Hello from John. A sign that he knew what was going on with me. A sign he was with me. A sign he was trying to use to show me what he thought of my choice.

Like just about every house out here in this part of Arizona, my property is covered in landscape gravel. It doesn't need watering in this desert area and always looks nice.  The gravel is made up of small irregularly shaped stones. 

But just in front of my right foot was this rock. It stood out from the rest because of its color and then its shape. I was not sure I was seeing what I thought I was seeing. But I picked it up and then I knew. It was exactly what I thought it was.

For me. 

From John.

Thank you, Sweetheart.

Message received.

I love you, too.

Namaste.