Trying to grow

I know Yoda said "Do or do not. There is no try." But for now, I think trying is all I can muster.
I spent the weekend in Sedona and I think I felt a shift. I'm not sure where this is going but there might be some rays of peace coming.
I hope so.
Still missing John. And I know I always will.
And I know being sad is OK.
Someone asked me last week if there was some way I can get out of depression. I think that person misinterprets sadness for depression. I am not depressed. I am doing things. I am accomplishing things. I am making plans for things in the future. Those are not the signs of someone who is depressed.
But I do experience sadness. I miss John. I miss our life. I miss that we will not grow old together.
And that isn't going to change.
And I don't feel that I should have to defend those feelings either.
I feel stronger than before and probably not as strong as I will eventually become.
Baby steps.
Trying.

Christmas in Heaven

Wishing I was there with John .........

1979

There's no getting around it. The Christmas season is just plain painful. It was so great when John was here - decorating, celebrating, buying for each other. Now it's a day I wish away.

Today's radio present from John

Wondering if John is still with me, still loves me, missing him so much and then this showed up in my car.

I miss the little things

John with baby Riley - May 2008 - Riley was 6 weeks old

I miss the every day things, the things that made up our every day life. And when I look at photos like this and see John just being John I still feel that if I turn my head really quickly I will see him standing there as if he never left.

2 1/2 Years

Today marks 30 months - 2 1/2 years since John left this plane. I still miss him and I can't believe that this much time has passed. I know he is with me in the best way he can be right now but it's still so hard. I still find myself doing things with John's opinion in mind and half expecting him to walk through the door and tell me what he thinks about one thing or the other. He is, and always will be, my other half, the person who makes me whole. If that makes me less of a person, I don't care. It's how I feel.

Us - May 2010

Missing you, Sweetheart. Loving you.

Happy Thanksgiving, John

Happy Thanksgiving, Sweetheart. I am so thankful for our life together.

Strong - trying

Today I flipped my CD player on in the car and Glen Campbell's song "Strong" started to play. The lyrics touched my heart. The words  speak to me as if from John but they are also words I want to say to him as well.

As I look into these eyes I've known for all these years
I see for the first time in my life, fear
This is not the road I wanted for us, but now that's it's here
I want to make one thing perfectly clear

All I want to be for you is strong
I am going to be the one you can count on
I'll always be for you strong

I am a broken prize all neatly wrapped but cracked inside
All the king's horses and all his men, they lie
As I look at you and at my life, what do I see?
The person that I wish that I could be

All I want to be for you is strong

I am going to be the one you can count on
I'll always be for you strong

So strong
It's strong, so strong
Don't you know it can't go wrong?
Strong


Today marks 130 weeks - it will be 2 1/2 years this week.