The little things

Yesterday I watched a TV show and I was immediately reminded of John. I have no idea what the show was now or what it was about but I can still remember the exact second that it made me think of John. It was a 3/4 shot of the male character. He was seated and wearing an open-neck shirt and his neck was turned in such a way that I felt I was looking at John. Not his face, not his voice, just his neck.

It was John's neck. 

Such a small thing. But there it was. For a brief fraction of a second my heart felt home.

Then today I went to the movies. I just had to get out of the house. The movie was nothing to write home about but toward the end the two main characters held hands finally and again I was transported. I remember that first time; that almost tentative reach from John and then how happy I was to hold on. 

And never wanting to let go.

Our last day together John reached for my hand as we crossed the street on our way back to our hotel and I can still remember how good it felt. We held on to each other so comfortably and laughed and talked as we strolled back, never knowing how little time was left.

But the good feeling was still there.

And I am so grateful.

Pervasive sadness

I'm not sure why but I feel a deep sadness lately. More deeply than I have felt in the past.
This seems to be a sadness that seeps into everything.
Maybe it's the realization on a deeper level that John is gone from this physical world, our world.
I don't know what to make of this. I don't think there is anything that can be done about it but I will speak to my therapist about it when I see her next.
All I know is that the thought of being here without John for the rest of my life is overwhelming.
I miss him more than ever.

Storms make me miss John

Rainbows make me remember him.
John loved storms. I always wish he were here to enjoy them with me.
Then I see a rainbow and I feel he is saying Hello. I'm sure he didn't cause the rainbow but maybe he made me look to see it.
Thank you, John. I love you.

It's the 24th of the month again

Today marks 44 months since John passed. That's not a milestone anniversary of any kind but it's still a monthly anniversary. The 24th of the month will always make me stop in my tracks.
Always.

This one's for you, John

John had this bookmarked on his computer and every so often he'd play it and we would both laugh.
Someone posted it on Facebook today and it made me smile in memory.

My new Guide

Yesterday I went for my final Reiki certification - Master Practitioner and the day could not have been better.The first half of the class was instruction and discussion and the second half was hands on and practice.In the hands on portion, we each had the chance to be on the table and receive the energy while the other students practiced.

And during that time, our instructor Susanne Wilson, a medium and Reiki Master, gave feedback on what she was sensing or seeing.

Usually it was about body sensations - "Are you having difficulty with your knees?" "Do you have stomach ailments?" etc. Or colors and energy.

When it was my turn, it was different.

When I was on the table as the client, Susanne immediately started to pick up John.

She asked me if I had dreamt about him recently. I had, just the night before and it had seemed like a little visit.

Susanne confirmed that.

Then she said "He's here. He just stepped in and asked if he could join us."

John stayed throughout my entire session, confirming our anniversary, roses, and other messages.

I could feel him being happy and smiling.

Susanne talked about how evolved he is and that he is part of my Soul Team now, my Guide.

I knew it! I have felt it but now it's confirmed.

I had been asking who was my Guide. Everyone has one - a Master Guide. I had been asking but getting no answer.

Yesterday I heard "Me!"

It was my gift from John. 

I love you, Sweetheart.

Our last Christmas

I made a stocking for Bella this Christmas. It was her first Christmas. I don't know why I made it. She doesn't know any different and I will never hang it up. I guess I just felt the need to carry on our tradition.
Ever since John and I have been a couple we have had stockings to hang on the mantle. I made one for me and for John and then every animal we had, including our parakeets. Over the years we had to retire some because our furbabies moved on to The Rainbow Bridge.
I didn't decorate for Christmas the year John passed and I have not decorated since. And sadly, more babies have gone on to The Rainbow Bridge too. First I lost Charlotte and last year Toby and Jessie.
But in 2012 I made a stocking for Sean and this past Christmas I made one for Bella.
Maybe someday I will be able to hang them again.

Christmas 2009