But maybe because some time has passed, I want to try to put into words what I am feeling. So many people ask me how I am and I struggle to answer. Honestly, I don't think they want to know. If I truly shared how I am I fear they would never ask again.
It has been suggested that I join a bereavement group. It's not something I see myself doing. I just don't feel like sharing. Don't know why except I just feel what I am feeling is private and I don't want it up for discussion with people I don't know.
I also have decided to stop sharing with just about anyone. I know it's a pain to hear what I have to say. I know people are probably sick of it by now and I understand that.
I'm a downer. People don't know what to say, what to do. I make them feel helpless and it's not what people want to hear or feel.
It's OK. I can do this by myself. I know technically I'm not alone. John's here. No, I'm not being crazy. I know he's passed on but we were too close to let death separate us.
It's been four months now and people have their own lives. It's all right. I'll be OK.
If I do share how I feel at this point all I get is "Time will heal, make it better." or "You need to move on."
Yeah, I get that. But unless you have had your heart ripped out in an instant and everything you had planned for your future with the only person in this world who mattered to you was taken away without so much as a hint of warning no one has any idea what I am feeling.
I'm not criticizing them. I'm not saying I have the mourning market cornered and I am the only one going through this.
What I am saying is that platitudes don't work and they don't help. In fact, platitudes make me angry.
No one can know what this feels like.
This feels so bad I would not even wish it on someone I didn't like.
Yes, a bereavement group would be made up of other people going through the same thing and that might be useful. But everyone's relationship is different. Knowing someone else feels the same way as I do doesn't really help me.
So, they feel that way too. So, I'm normal. I get it.
Now what?
See what I'm saying?
I just need to do this my own way. I need to do it the way it makes me feel all right. If that means keeping John's slippers under the dresser and keeping his name on the checking account, then that's what I'm going to do. John's death has changed me. It's the most profound change I will ever go through in my life. I am never going to be old Joy. She's gone. Whatever Joy I turn into now is going to be changed by my experience. That's true of all of us. We are the sum of our parts, our experiences. And this experience is the biggest there is for me.
It may not be a bad Joy that I turn into, but it's going to be a different Joy.
It pisses me off when people look at me and tell me [like some do] that I seem better. To me what I hear is that I'm "getting over" John's death and things can go back to the way they were.
No, they will never go back to the way they were. Things are different now.
They will always be different now. Most people don't understand that. Because most people are threatened by that. Because it could happen to them too. And that's very scary.
Is there a point to this blog entry? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe it's just good to get it out.
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