Grief is so hard

I have been working so hard at trying to do this right but I finally realized today that no matter what I do and no matter how well I do it, the end result is the same. John is still gone.
It seems sometimes that my mind is playing a huge mean trick on me. Sometimes I feel that if I do all the right things, say all the right things, behave in the right way that somehow the result will be different. That I will wake up from this nightmare and all will be forgotten and life will go back to the way it was. John will be here with me and we can go on as we had planned.
But the reality is that will never happen.
And the enormity of that realization brings me to my knees.
And I don't think I can ever accept this.