Maybe it's just me

Today marks 45 weeks.  I had a meltdown in the shower this morning. I was reliving happy memories. Remembering the day John and I were married. I could still see him as I drove up to the office of the JP. John was standing in the doorway watching for me. He was so handsome in his suit, with a big smile on his face. This was our day.

And then the anger came, and the tears. I'll never see that smile again. I'll never know that kind of happiness again. I'll never feel that complete again.
I look at others who have lost through death. Some have lost their mates and they seem so together, so healed.
Then I look at me. I know I am in no way even beginning to heal. I am still in the disbelief stage. There are moments I still think I can turn to John and tell him something, that the noise I hear at the garage door is him coming home, that I can still call him at work.
I read stories about grief. Just yesterday I read a story in one of those essay compilation books [you know the one I mean - there seems to be one for every occasion and emotion]. The widow talked about how she attended a grief support group, how she changed the sheets on her bed and bought herself a baseball cap and how she moved on and felt empowered. Are you f-ing kidding me? A baseball cap? Is that all it took? Why didn't I think of that? I could have bought a boxful and felt so much better by now.
I sometimes wonder if I am just too weird for taking so long to go through this. If I am the odd one for being unable to move on. I'm getting things done - I am caring for our animals, I take care of the house, I take care of John's Mom and her affairs. I work. I am planning a Memorial for John and starting a Foundation in his name.
But inside I am useless. I am numb. I am empty. Maybe that is what it's just going to be from now on. Maybe it's different with sudden death. Maybe if John had been ill I would have been able to accept it. I would never want him to suffer. If his death meant an end to his pain, I would have known it was the best thing for him. But to wake up and just have him gone. There is no getting used to that.