Is it stupid to want to hold onto things that make me feel closer to John? Even if by anyone else's standards they would be ridiculous?
Today the cleaning ladies came. They are thorough and they do a very good job. Too good.
Today they emptied the waste basket in the bathroom. No big deal, right? Except they took the plastic liner when they cleaned it out. The plastic liner that John had put there sometime last year. And it bothered me that it was gone and I had to put a new one in there now. One less thing John left behind.
I find myself doing that often. Wanting to save things that he touched or he placed.
I wear the reader glasses that he used.
I haven't cleaned out his desk. I want to leave the papers the way he left them.
I won't use the last of the ground coffee beans because he ground them.
So many little things that tell me he was here, he cared for us, he made this his home.
He loved me.
Some days I just wish I would go crazy so I wouldn't have to think any more.
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