14 months today

Today is the 24th of the month, 14 months since my Love left this world, 61 weeks.
Today I made the mistake of watching our wedding video. I thought it would be good to see John in action and hear his voice instead of looking at flat pictures. It was good - but also unbearably sad. The pain is there as if his passing just happened.

I thought I would have been stronger. It made me happy to see John but it also made it all the more horrible to have him gone from me now. He was so handsome, so sweet, so kind, so happy, so loving. Watching him holding me, kissing me, loving me - I was so lucky. I could see the love in his eyes.
And that smile. Was there ever a better, happier smile. How I wish I could go back in time for just a minute and feel those arms around me again. Hear that voice in my ear. Feel that kiss.
This has to be the most unfair thing in the world. At least to me. There are so many unhappy marriages out there. Why did the happiest one have to end - at least in this world. I know John is still alive in the spirit world. I know he still loves me. But it's not the way it was. 
And that is what hurts so much. We thought we had more time. I want to be able to love him more.  We had so many plans. We loved each other so much. I can't bear this. It's never going to be any better until I die and join John.
I tell people this life holds nothing for me and the best thing I can think of would be for a doctor to tell me I have months to live. Yet if I dare mention that to anyone I get  "don't say that", "you have so much to live for", "there is more you can do".
Does no one understand how much I DO NOT CARE.