More pictures

I think this was taken in February 2000. I don't recall why I took this. Maybe John was wearing a new shirt? It really doesn't matter. It's a picture of John and that's enough for me.

 Sunset in Hawaii, April 2000.

This was May 2000, Memorial Day weekend. Toby's first day with us. She was so happy to be in her new home and we were so happy to have her.

Grief sucks

I envy people who can bounce back. Or seem to. I am told grief after sudden loss is different, harder, more traumatic. That is true. But I wonder sometimes if there is something wrong with me. Should I be better at this after four years? My therapist wants me to "let John go", to be open to another relationship, that it is too hard to stay alone for the rest of my life.
She's right. I don't want to be alone. I hate being alone. It IS very hard. But I don't think being with someone new is the answer. I want John. I miss J.O.H.N.
I know I am lonely. I am terribly, horribly lonely.
I feel very brittle lately. I feel like I could break into a hundred million little sharp tiny pieces and it would take very little to do so.
But I have no idea what I can do about it. Nothing helps.
Maybe it's a shortcoming on my part. Maybe all this soul-searching, inner contemplation is just a bunch of hooey. Maybe I am just defective.
Or maybe not.
I have no idea any more.

Happy Father's Day, Sweetheart!

John was the best father to our furbabies. He loved them so much. And me.
He just loved his family and there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for us.

John and Willie 1987

 

John and baby Jessie 1999

John and Toby 2008

Memory lane

November 1947
John - 4 years old with his younger brother David

Summer 1957
John - 14 years old and already working - and tall!

Hawaii 2000

No beard

Still handsome. This was taken July 1999.