I envy people who can bounce back. Or seem to. I am told grief after sudden loss is different, harder, more traumatic. That is true. But I wonder sometimes if there is something wrong with me. Should I be better at this after four years? My therapist wants me to "let John go", to be open to another relationship, that it is too hard to stay alone for the rest of my life.
She's right. I don't want to be alone. I hate being alone. It IS very hard. But I don't think being with someone new is the answer. I want John. I miss J.O.H.N.
I know I am lonely. I am terribly, horribly lonely.
I feel very brittle lately. I feel like I could break into a hundred million little sharp tiny pieces and it would take very little to do so.
But I have no idea what I can do about it. Nothing helps.
Maybe it's a shortcoming on my part. Maybe all this soul-searching, inner contemplation is just a bunch of hooey. Maybe I am just defective.
Or maybe not.
I have no idea any more.
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