John was and is my once in a lifetime

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around.
You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement.
They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.
There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are.
The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever.
Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face.
In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you.
You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible.
You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end.
Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
― Bob Marley

I wish there were phones in Heaven

End of an era

This past week I had Afternoon Tea with a couple of friends at the Ritz-Carlton in Phoenix. It was a bittersweet experience because it was the last time we will be able to do that. The Ritz has been sold and will be closed for the next year while it undergoes a remodel. When it opens again, they will no longer be doing the tea.

I can't remember the first time John and I had tea there but I know it was many many years ago. Possibly as long as 10 years ago, or more. It was something we enjoyed doing. Truth be told, John might have gone along with it because it was something I wanted to do but he seemed to enjoy it.
Birthdays and other special occasions were celebrated there.
One of my favorite times was when my first book was published.

Another time was when my aunt and uncle visited.

I will miss it but I am grateful for the many good times.

Anam Cara

Anam Cara refers to the Celtic spiritual belief of souls connecting and bonding.
In Celtic Spiritual tradition, it is believed that the soul radiates all about the physical body, what some refer to as an aura. When you connect with another person and become completely open and trusting with that individual, your two souls begin to flow together. Should such a deep bond be formed, it is said you have found your Anam Cara or soul friend.
Your Anam Cara always accepts you as you truly are, holding you in beauty and light. In order to appreciate this relationship, you must first recognize your own inner light and beauty. This is not always easy to do. The Celts believed that forming an Anam Cara friendship would help you to awaken your awareness of your own nature and experience the joys of others.
According to John O'Donahue, an accomplished Irish poet, philosopher and Catholic priest, "...You are joined in an ancient and eternal union with humanity that cuts across all barriers of time, convention, philosophy and definition. When you are blessed with an anam cara, the Irish believe, you have arrived at that most sacred place: home."
John was and is my Anam Cara.

Dreams

I love dreams about John. Even if they aren't visits, they are always welcome. For a few brief moments, I get to be back with him and experience his happy smile and his love all over again.
Last night was just such a time. We were driving somewhere and for some reason John decided instead of turning around he was going to drive back down the street backwards. A policeman didn't agree and started to follow us and I could hear the siren in the background but John just kept smiling and driving backwards.
I know the dream was just a silly dream but it was good anyway. I got to hear John laugh. I got to see him smile. And I got to sit with him for a few precious minutes.
It was wonderful.

Life was better with you, John

I still can't shake the constant sadness. I think it will always be there. And I don't expect anyone to understand.
There is just a flatness to life now.  The "John-ness" is missing and life is now empty.
It's not that life was a big circus and party with John. It wasn't. It was just life. But it was a good life. No, it was a great life. A happy life.
Life is just a day to day thing now. It's hard to explain. I still get things done. And there are things that I enjoy - our furkids, my friends, writing, music, nature. But there is always something missing. My heart is always heavy.
When John was here, the simplest things were wonderful because we enjoyed them, experienced them together.
Now the most wondrous things are mundane because he's not here physically to experience them with me.
I hardly talk about it with anyone anymore. I expect that after 5 years people will expect that I should be better, that I should move on.
Maybe that would be true for most. But John was my true soul mate, my other half, my Twin Flame. How do you go on as before when a piece of you is missing?