If only

Happy Anniversary, Sweetheart

34 years ago today I married my best friend, the true mate to my soul, the man who completed my thoughts and my life. I love you, John - then, now, and always.

The stages of grief

I may have posted this before but if I did, it bears repeating.

People often try to pigeon-hole those who are grieving into the so-called stages put out by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying.
What they don't understand is that the Kubler-Ross stages of grief really apply to the person who is dying rather than the person who is grieving. I resented it when people tried to categorize me into a "stage" after John passed. One "friend" even said "Oh, good, you're angry, that means you're getting better." 
Better? Was she kidding? 
The only person I was angry with was her for saying such a stupid thing. Sadness and gut-wrenching sadness seemed to be my most common feelings those first couple of years.
Everyone grieves in their own way, in their own time. There is no right or wrong way and the biggest disservice we can do to anyone who is grieving is to hurry them along under the guise that we are helping.
Usually when people do that it is because they themselves are uncomfortable with grief and don't know what to do for someone who is grieving.
Making the other person back to how they were before their loss is usually their goal.
What they don't understand is that you don't go back to that person.
Ever.
A part of you dies, too, when the love of your life has died.
You will never be the same again.
That does not mean you will not have a meaningful life.
It does mean that life will be different, though.
You are different.
You see life differently.
You now have new goals and new thoughts.
It is not necessarily a bad thing but you have to accept that life as you knew it is over.
Now it's a different life.
You go forward after the death, you don't don't "get over" the death. 
And you take your Love with you.
John and I are still mated. But it is different now.
He shows me in many ways that he is still with me. He still loves me.
His passing has made me re-evaluate many things.
I have also learned a lot and taken on projects I would not have done were he still here.
His passing has made me stronger - and more vulnerable.
His passing has helped me put many things into a new perspective.
I have grown in ways I never imagined.
I can do this. 
I will do this.
And I look forward to being with him again.

John's soul portrait

I can't believe I have not blogged in so long. A lot has happened in the past few weeks and perhaps that is why I have been reluctant to post. It wasn't all bad although some was upsetting.
I was involved in a car accident on August 6 [rear-ended at a red light] and my car was badly damaged.
But all is on the way to mending now, including me.
Then I had company for a week but that was a fun distraction.
But now it is time to get back down to business.

Today I want to talk about the soul portrait I had done of John.
Last year you might remember I had one done of me.
So, I contacted the artist, sent her a couple of pictures of John and soon I had a portrait of what she saw as John as an eternal soul.

Aside from the fact that John looks a little like Captain Picard from Star Trek, I find the portrait very interesting. John appears to me to be very wise and peaceful.  The reading confirmed John as a loving healer and that he is still very much with me and that we are continuing our relationship together.
Everything in the picture has symbolic meaning and I find it very comforting.

I treasure every moment we had