Fading

This is my favorite coffee mug. I drink my morning coffee from it every day. I have had it for years and as you can see the colors are fading. The rim, for instance, used to be a bright blue.
Now it is barely a visible line.
Yet, I still use this cup despite the fact that I have larger, and now, prettier cups at my disposal.
Why?
Because it was given to me by a woman who was a friend, a mentor, a soul sister.
I say "was" but she is not dead. Not physically. She has Alzheimers disease and is lost to those of us who love her. She is only 6 months older than I am but she is no longer able to care for herself, no longer recognizes her husband.
This once brilliant woman with several degrees and certifications now just wanders the halls of the nursing home she inhabits.
She sat next to me during my husband's funeral Mass and held my hand when it trembled.
She helped me to explore my spirituality and was responsible for accelerating my progression.
We used to have wonderful breakfasts together and we talked about everything and anything.
And now, while she still "lives" it's as if she has died.

And so I grieve for what was.
I mourn what will no longer be.
This blog is about death and how it affects all of us and how my own journey has affected me.
And I choose to include my friend's diagnosis because it is truly a loss for me, as it for anyone who has a family member or friend with ALZ.
I am so grateful for the time I had with my friend. I look back on our time together and cherish all of it.
And I am once again reminded how life can change so quickly.
Whether it's a death or a death of sorts.
Like the once dark blue rim of this cup, life changes, life fades, and soon the life we know disappears.
So, I will continue to drink my morning coffee from my worn mug and thank God for the friendship I was blessed with.
And pray I never forget the lesson.
Namaste.

Happy Anniversary, My Love!

I know I have been posting a lot of anniversaries the past few days but this is another one. March was a big month for us.
Today, March 19, is the 30th anniversary of our Church Wedding.
John and I eloped in August 1981 and a few years later we were remarried in the Church,
And if that weren't enough, in the process of doing this we found out that John had never been baptized. We thought he had. He always thought he had been. But no.
So, John converted to Catholicism and during our wedding Mass, he was also baptized and confirmed and received his First Holy Communion.
It was a beautiful ceremony and a wonderful day.

And afterwards, we had a wonderful fun-filled party.

Happy Anniversary, Sweetheart. You were so handsome that day in your tux with tails. I was so proud to be standing next to you as your wife.
I'm a lucky and blessed woman.

Happy St. Patrick's Day, My Love!

40 years ago, on St. Patrick's Day, John and I had our first date. We knew then and there that something special was happening. We were inseparable from that day forward - soul mates who found each other and knew they were finally home.
We have celebrated that day every year ever since.
And so today, 40 years later, I still celebrate this day as one of the most important and beautiful days of my life. And I know John does too. It was always "our day".
Happy St. Patrick's Day, Sweetheart. I miss you. Can't wait to have some green beer with you again.

Bunkie Day - March 15

John moved in with me on March 15, 1980 - 38 years ago today.
He named today Bunkie Day and we celebrated it every year.
John thought he wasn't romantic but he was wrong.
This was one of the most romantic things he ever did.
He did many thoughtful sweet things but to commemorate the day our life together started - every year - showed me it meant so much to him..
How could I not find that to be so sweet, so endearing, so loving?
He made us lasagna that first night, complete with a rose and champagne.

Happy Bunkie Day, Sweetheart!
I love you. ♥

Spirit comes through once again

After seeing my doctor yesterday, I found myself coming face to face with an important decision regarding treatment going forward. Neither of the choices was 100% what I wanted. I found myself vacillating between a rock and a hard place.
Over and over, my mind tumbled. My choice was to do nothing, crawl into a hole, put my fingers in my ears and yell "La la la - I can't hear you." But that wasn't very mature or useful and I knew that.
So, I decided I should seriously consider my doctor's recommendations even though I was afraid.
Then I decided I needed help to know I was making the right choice.
So I asked my spiritual Team (made up of Spirit, my guides, my angels, and John) to send me a sign.
I asked that, if the decision I was thinking of making was the correct one, to send me a feather. 
But not just any feather. There are plenty of plain grey dove feathers around. 
No, in order to clearly know the response, I asked for a colorful feather.
And then I said it could be in any form. 
Oh, and it had to be by nightfall last night. 
Hey, if you're going to ask, ask BIG.
Then just before the designated time I logged on to Facebook and saw that Susanne Wilson had just posted so I clicked on her link to see what she had to say. 
Imagine my surprise when I saw all these colorful feathers. 

Thank you, Team!

John loved antique cars

In his 1950 MGTD February 1996

Goose bumps

Ok, goose bumps over here. One of my friends posted a song by Peter Hollens on Facebook and I liked it. I had never heard of him before so I went on Amazon Prime and downloaded a boatload of his songs.
Many of them.
Just now I was folding clothes and thought I would listen to them so I told Alexa to play songs by him. As she always does she responded "Shuffling Peter Hollens."
And this was the FIRST song that played. It couldn't have been a better choice. John seems to use Alexa a lot this way.
But the lyrics.
They spoke to my heart.
Perfect for us.
Thank you, John.

I have renamed my blog

For years the name of this blog was "Finding My Way".
And it truly was about that. John's death put me in a place I was totally unprepared for and a place I never wanted to be.
Finding my way around that new place was hard and sad and difficult and I resisted it for a very long time.
Now, I can't say that I am happy to be where I am. I would give up absolutely everything and live in a refrigerator box under a bridge if it meant I could be physically back with John again (not sure how he would feel about that :) ).
But I am in a better spot than I was before.
And I can truly say that John and I have forged our way to a new place where there is still love and relationship. And, yes, communication.
No, it's not the same thing as it was before. It can't be.
But at least I am not screaming to the heavens and pounding the walls and scaring the animals.
My book is about our life together - what it was here on Earth and what it is now that John has gone on ahead of me.
I have found my way, so to speak.
Now, I blog about what life is like for me in my every day new life.
I know John is still with me. I know we still love each other and are still lovers. We are still married.
So, it is fitting to rename the blog after the book and after our new way of life.
John IS still with me.
He has never left me.
He will never leave me.
I know that as sure as I breathe.
And I know his face will be the first one I see when I close my eyes to this world and open them up to the next.
Namaste.

Today is my 70th birthday

I walked into my office this morning, my cup of morning coffee in my hand. 

Today is my 70^th birthday and I would love to be celebrating it with John. 

But he showed up and wished me a Happy Birthday with love in the best way he could and he made me smile and feel loved.

John has given me many stuffed teddy bears over the years. One of them is very big and sits on top of the bookcase in my office. Sean, one of our cats, likes to climb up there and snuggle with this bear almost every evening.

When I walked into my office a few minutes ago, the bear was in my chair.

Now I know Sean knocked him over, probably as he was jumping back down onto my desk. And the bear was upside down when I found him. He's a little top heavy.

But he was in my chair and that has never ever happened in all the years that he has been up there and in all the time that Sean has been up there next to him.

So, the fact that it happened THIS morning - on my birthday - means something to me. 

I know it's from John. I feel it in my heart. The ribbon around the bear's neck even says Love and he's holding pink roses, my favorite.

Thank you, Sweetheart. It means so much to me to have you with me today.

♥