John still teaches me

I used to feel I was in John's shadow.
Not because he put me there.
In fact, he treated me in the exact opposite way - always bragging about me to others, telling me how proud he was of my accomplishments, and that he admired me.
Every day I knew I was loved and so lucky and blessed.
No, any feelings of inferiority were purely in my head, possibly a result of how I had been treated as a child. I worked at overcoming that and with John's help, both when he was here physically and even since he has passed, I am slowly learning to appreciate myself - finally.
Slowly, I feel I am coming into my own - even at the ripe old age of 71.
And one of the things I am learning is to slow down.
I often describe myself as a AAA type personality - type A on steroids. Never able to relax and enjoy anything. Always looking forward, often worrying.
John was the polar opposite. Secure. Patient. Happy with life as it was.
I wished so much to be like him.
His death stopped me in my tracks and forced me to recalibrate.
It's still a struggle for me. Every day I have to practice unclenching my jaw and breathing.
But I am definitely working on it.
I meditate now. That helps a lot.

And I have taken up photography.
And seeing the world through a camera lens really helps me to focus on life around me in a way I never expected.
I took a walk around my neighborhood yesterday, camera in hand. My goal was to take pictures of desert flowers. The Arizona desert is just starting to come into bloom and it never disappoints.
By the end of my walk I had several pictures I knew I would keep and add to my portfolio but I had something else too.
I had a sense of peace. I was able to see my world one second at a time and appreciate it instead of going full tilt and seeing it all as a blur.

Life is precious. Death teaches us that in ways we never wanted to learn.
But it's a valuable lesson.
I am looking forward to life beyond this one when I will be reunited with John.
But, in the meantime, this life is to be enjoyed and treasured too.
There is beauty here.
Namaste.