I'm feeling bah humbug

Feeling especially sad this Christmas which is probably why I forgot to post yesterday.

I miss our Christmases.

I miss John.

And being away from friends and family at this time of year makes it all the worse.

I decked my halls!

I didn't think I wanted to decorate for Christmas this year. Every year since John's passing it's been a struggle but with the pandemic more so right now. 

I figured what's the point? No one is coming over. I don't need decorations.

But as the days wore on and I got Christmas-bombarded from every side, I relented.

So yesterday I dragged out the tree etc and got to work. I actually found myself enjoying the work. I asked Alexa to play some Christmas music and she obliged. Within a couple of hours I had the tree up and decorated. I set to work in the dining room and spread some Christmas on the dining room table and the buffet table. I even decorated my front door - at least the Amazon delivery person will get to enjoy it. 😊

I was pretty pleased with myself. It was a good day.

But today I surprised myself even more. I actually had the urge to hang up our stockings. I haven't done that since Christmas 2009 - the last Christmas John and I celebrated before he died. 

So I went back out into the garage and opened the bins of older decorations - decorations I haven't touched in years. The decorations I use now were all purchased after John's passing. I couldn't bear to use the old ones. It was just too painful. But now I felt ready to go through them and search out the stockings we used to use. And there they all were - mine and John's and the pets we had then. All are gone now except for Riley and Chaz. I had made stockings for Sean and Bella (the pets I have acquired since John passed) but they have never been hung. But they had been placed in the bin, too, for safekeeping. Maybe in my heart I knew I would eventually reach this moment.

So, our stocking are hung with care - even John's. It feels good to see them up again.

It might seem like a little thing but those who know grief will understand. This was a big step for me. The grief dance is not in a straight line. We go forward, falter, take a side-step, and go forward again. Today was a step forward.

Namaste.

Happy Thanksgiving, Sweetheart

 Happy memories

 

I have been a big fan of the TV series The Resident. I admit I love most medical dramas dating back to Dr. Kildare and Saint Elsewhere. It's in my blood. I'm a nurse.

So, I have watched every episode of The Resident and was anxious to see how they were going to script the departure of one of the main characters Nic, the wife of the title character Conrad. The actress who played her was leaving and so, in typical TV fashion, she had to die and her death had to be wrung out over an hour. I think it was well done - they used the episode to shed light on how organ donation can help other people.

The next episode dealt with Conrad's grief and his need to find out why and how she died [it was reported to be in a one car accident]. I thought that too was handled very well. Conrad was bereft and, as many of us who have lost someone ask, the burning question is Why - that need to make sense of something that will forever be senseless to us.

But then the producers and writers missed a golden opportunity in my opinion. They jumped ahead "three years and change", as they put it. As they explained it, dealing with grief "in real emotional time, would be dark. We didn’t want to have Conrad grief-stricken for an entire season of television.”

And that sums up how our society in general deals with death and grief. Let's put it in a box. Don't want those death cooties messing everyone else up. Let's smile, be happy, MOVE ON. How many times has a grieving person been told that? "She wouldn't want you to be sad." "You need to [fill in the blank]..."

I'm not advocating sitting on the sofa in your jammies among a pile of used tissues. But ignoring grief won't make it go away. And portraying that grief is messy and we need to jump ahead to avoid it is not a message I think is healthy. Maybe it makes for good television but that message isolates those who are mourning and makes them feel like pariahs.

So, while Conrad is now looking toward new romance in his life and Nic is now in the past, those of us in the real world need to know that there is no timeline for grief. Mourn as you feel you want to. Take the time that you need in whatever way that means for you. Don't compare yourself to anyone else. We don't get to jump forward in real life and make everything all better.

But we can move forward with our Loves in our heart and have meaningful lives while we are still here.

Namaste.

Hold on

All of us who mourn are at different stages of our grief. And sometimes those who are newly mourning look to those of us who have trod this path longer for advice.

I was speaking a couple of weeks ago with a very dear friend whose husband had died only 2 weeks prior and the first thing she asked me was "Does this get better?" I couldn't lie to her. I told her "No, I can't say it gets better. But it does get easier."

Now, I wonder if that's even true.

 

I say this because I have been going through a tough time myself these last few weeks. I can't pin it on anything in particular although I have been having some losses not related to death. Maybe those losses are bringing back feelings related to John's death. I can't say for sure. All I know is that I have been sad. Really sad. And it's been 11+ years since John died. According to the "experts" [who the heck are they anyway?], I should be "over" this, no?

 

The answer? NO!

 

If I sit here too long and think, I will start crying. I know that because it happened a few days ago. Scared the dog, too.

 

I am saying all this because I want to tell anyone who is thinking they are doing this mourning thing wrong and that they should be "better" to give yourself a break. Grief never really ends.

But luckily, love never ends too.

 

My plan is to finish this cup of coffee and go meditate and then connect with John and feel his love.

We're all here to help each other. To reassure ourselves that we are not alone. We have each other and we have the love of those who have gone to the next dimension - our spouses, our friends, our parents, our children, our pets.

 

It's ok to be sad. And it's okay to not be okay. Right now I'm not okay and admitting that is hard. I am always the one who is there for everyone else. But I know I'll be ok again. In the meantime, I will feel these feelings even though they're not good feelings. And I will search for the love that I know is there.

 

Namaste.

One size grief does not fit all

Even though it has been several years since John has transitioned and I think, for the most part, I have come to terms with my new life and what it means for us that John and I are no longer on the same plane, I still read books about grief and coping because I am a firm believer in learning. Every little tidbit helps.
But I am seeing something else in all the books that I read (and I am referring here to those self-help books that speak to the every day issues of losing a loved one - not the spiritual/metaphysical ones).
Often it seems to me that even when these books are written by the grieving person themselves, they seem to feel that their experience can be translated to all grieving people and their advice is gospel.
Let me elaborate.
One of the books I read was about reclaiming life after the loss of a mate. The book was written by a widow who was married to the person she felt was the love of her life. They were married for 25 years, first marriage for both of them. She had been widowed for 10 years. And she was now in her early 50's, was in her early 40's obviously when she was widowed and was the mother of two teenagers at that time.
About 30% into the book she sneaked in the fact that she was now in a relationship with another man and had been for the past several years.
The plot thickens.......
Mind you, I am not critical of the fact that she was in a relationship. No one wants to be alone.
What I am critical of is that she assumes her situation can just be translated into all situations.
Yes, she had some good ideas that resonated with me. But overall she was speaking as a younger woman and what she was feeling did not necessarily apply to every other woman (or man, for that matter) in the same grief situation. She was still working, raising children, had her own home, a large support system, and was financially well-off.
Her philosophy was "get out there, seize the moment, remake yourself! You can do this! Rah! Rah! Rah!"
Compare that to an older woman whose children are grown, who might not have the same support network, who might be on a fixed income, facing deteriorating health and friends dying off, who has been with the love of her life for 60+ years.
Or a widow who was in her second marriage after having had a bad first marriage - and now has lost again.
Or the widower who has suffered other losses - maybe a job at the age of 50 and now is facing decreasing job opportunities because of his age and then loses the one person who meant the world to him and was the rock in his sea of sadness.
Or...
Or...
Or...
The examples are as endless as the people involved.
And that is just referring to widowhood.
What about someone who has lost a child?
A lifelong friend?
A parent?
My point is this. Yes, these self help books are useful. But those who write them need to step back for a moment and realize that what works for some does not work for all.
And I also know that the choices I make for me are not the choices another grieving person might make and that is also right - for them. It is not my place to criticize, judge, or preach.
Nor it is anyone else's.
Write the books. Give advice. Let your life be an example of possibilities.
Just not from your Mount Olympus on high as if you have all the answers.
Because you don't. You have one set of answers.
One size of healing does not fit all.
There are as many ways to move forward from loss as there are the people who move forward.
Namaste.

Does grief make it hard to breathe?

 A friend of mine mentioned to me the other day that her asthma has gotten noticeably worse since her soul mate passed away and she wondered if there was a connection.

Please keep in mind that I am not a doctor or medical expert. I am a nurse by education and experience. But I have researched a lot about what grief does to the human body. It is that that I will share with you.

So, back to my friend’s question. The short answer is “yes”.

Here is a simplified long answer.

Think about what your lungs do for you. They are vital to your well being. Your breath sustains your body.

Inhale and you take in oxygen which nourishes all your organs by first going to your lungs. Once it reaches the innermost parts of your lung tissue, the oxygen interacts with your circulating blood and that oxygen goes everywhere on the highway of your circulatory system supporting kidneys and intestines, fortifying your immune system, and providing moisture to your skin – just to name a few structures.

That exchange also brings waste back to your lungs which is expelled on the exhale.

Now think about how you feel when you grieve. What do you do? You tighten up. You might clench your jaws, shoulders, back. This might tighten your diaphragm. All of this restricts the area needed by your lungs to expand. If they can’t expand properly, they can’t do their job. Sure, you’re still getting oxygen but not the full amount. So, your body breathes differently. You feel short of breath, tired, drained. Your immune system is weakened which can lead to further problems. And on and on.

If you already have an underlying lung condition like asthma, it is exacerbated.

Ancient Chinese Medicine (TCM) looks at the body in a holistic way and in that modality, grief is the emotion of the lungs. The lungs govern qi, the energy that is needed for all the bodily functions. Weaken qi and the body suffers.

Working through grief won’t cure asthma. But not working through grief can make asthma – or any lung disorder – potentially worsen.

Knowledge is power. Knowing how things work helps us to help ourselves.

Namaste.

I dreamt about John last night. It wasn't a dream visit. It was "just a dream" but I got to be with him for a little while and I was happy.

I'll take it.

My Heart Will Go On

Celine Dion

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you
That is how I know you go on

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more, you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go 'til we're gone

Love was when I loved you
One true time I'd hold to
In my life, we'll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on (why does the heart go on?)
Once more, you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

You're here, there's nothing I fear
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart and
My heart will go on and on

 

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: James Horner / Will Jennings

My Heart Will Go On lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group, Songtrust Ave, DistroKid, Integrity Music

My latest book

My latest book is now available in print and ebook.

Amazon

Barnes and Noble

Other ebook versions

Now on to my next projects!

Details coming soon!

 

Today is our wedding anniversary!

40 years ago today I married my best friend, my soul mate, my one true love.

It was such a wonderful day.

Happy anniversary, Sweetheart!

A celebration alone

Today is a happy day but it would have been happier if John were physically here.

John was always my biggest cheerleader. 

He was proud of me when I sometimes had trouble being proud of myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I published my first book, I don't know who was more excited to open the box of books - me or him. 

Well, today, my book #4 is published. It's dedicated to John. All of my books are. 

But I sure wish he was here to give me a hug and a kiss. 

That would have made today perfect.

But I know he is with me. 

So, I will go forth. I will have that glass of bubbly to celebrate and know that he is smiling.

 

And in my heart I know that he is saying the words he always said - "I'm so proud of you." ♥

 

Say their name

It has been said that people love to hear the sound of their name.

I think for those of us who have lost someone we love, the sound of our beloved's name is even more precious to our ears.

After John died, I had the need to keep his memory alive. I needed to keep him real and present in my life. The first thing I did was print out pictures from our life together and hang those memories on the walls of our home. I made our hallway into a family memory gallery filled with happy photos of our life - our pets, our relatives, but mostly, pictures of John  - vacation shots, baby pictures his mother had saved, candid photos I loved. 

I remember a friend who I had not seen in quite a while visited me a few months after John's death. Her comment to me was "Don't you think you have too many photos of John hanging around the house?"

My first response was to ask her where her husband was at the time. As it was, he was in the next room. Alive and happy. Secondly, it was my house. Thirdly, we are no longer friends. That comment is not the only reason our friendship ended. It was on life support anyway but her inability to empathize and her completely heartless comment showed me we really had nothing in common anymore.

The other thing that became important to me after John died was finding ways to keep his memory current in my life. To continue to keep him in my present, not just in my past. And the way I did that was to say his name. To talk about him - telling stories of our life together, talking about how he continued to show up in my life by signs he gave me, saying his name with love, not sadness. It took time. There were tears in the beginning. And I am sure that it made some people uncomfortable. But I was lucky to have those around me who understood. Sometimes, our friends fear to mention the deceased person's name because they think it will make us sad. What are they afraid of? That it will remind us our loved one has died? We know. We will never forget that. What we fear is that their memory will die, too.

It is up to us to teach others that we can celebrate the life of someone who we love who has died. We can say their name. Tell their stories. Share what matters and smile. And being sad is okay too. It's life. All of it. The good, the sad, the hurt, the joyful.

Say their name. Love their life. Rejoice in what we have been blessed to have.

Namaste.

Loss is loss is loss

I read an article last week that spoke about the grief associated with the slow loss of a loved one to long illness. While I have never experienced that personally, I could definitely grasp the import of what she was saying until she said this (paraphrased) - she envied her widowed friend. Her husband’s death was final. The author, on the other hand, lived in uncertainty. That's when she lost me and my feelings of sympathy for her evaporated. That one sentiment got my hackles up. 

Somehow, she felt her situation was worse. Yes, her situation is hard and terrible and heart-breaking. I totally agree. But don't make blanket statements about other people's feelings like that. That brought up other things that have been said to me and other widowed friends.

I don't think there is any one of us who has lost a loved one and not heard either "I understand how you feel because I..." or "At least you..."
Every loss is different. No matter the similarities no one can say they truly understand what another is going through. 
The loss of my husband is not the same as the loss of your husband. 
The death of your child is not the same as the death of your friend's child.
Watching a loved one suffer years or months of illness and then dying is not worse than or better than losing a loved one suddenly and unexpectedly.
Watching a loved one deteriorate  and seeing the relationship change because of chronic illness or dementia is not better or worse than losing that loved one to death.

Grief is not a contest. 

There is no easier or harder grief. 
Our own personal grief is the worst grief there is.
That’s why platitudes and some of the pat phrases and ideas some people expound irritate me so much. We can offer support, explain what has helped us, what might work. But we can never say we fully understand what that person is going through. Grief is based on relationship and no two relationships are alike.
Ever.
Everyone grieves and mourns in their own way. If you loved, you grieve when you lose that person no matter how that loss manifests. 
And this warning applies to those who purport to make our journey easier by latching on to the spiritual and metaphysical as if that is the answer too.
Don't get me wrong. I am a firm believer in the afterlife and all that entails. Everyone who knows me at all knows that. I even wrote a book about it.
No, my beef is with those who try to sell the spiritual connection we can have with our loved ones as being the antidote to grief. Or better yet, try to sell that new - now spiritual - relationship as being "better than" the earthly one. That is like comparing the proverbial apples and oranges. I think to push that thinking is harmful. Negating someone's grief like that is very hurtful to the one who is sad and mourning.
I don't care how many "visits" you have or messages that you get, it's not "better than it ever was". I would give anything to have John walk through the door again and hug the heck out of him. 
But I am comforted by the messages I get from him and the communication that I feel I do receive. 
It helps me in this life until I am reunited with him in the next.
But I would never say that what we have now is better. It just is.
So, the next time you are tempted to help someone who is in the throes of grief by saying you understand or you know how to make this journey better, just stop for a moment. Swallow those words.
Instead, offer a hand. Offer your time. Let that person know you are there to just be, if that is all that is needed.
Mention the loved one's name. 
Cry. 
Hug. 
Your presence and love will help more than you can know.
Namaste.

All the many many losses

This blog post by John Pavlovitz - The grief we postponed -  is so true. 

There is so much that we have all experienced that just got swept up in the umbrella of "pandemic". But each instance deserves its own funeral.

I lost my mother but could not go to her funeral.

John's 10 year anniversary of his passing was last year and I had planned a once-in-a-lifetime trip to commemorate it but that was canceled and can never be regained. His 10 year anniversary will never come again. I had to mark it alone.

Sadly, I learned some things about friends and family that I didn't know they harbored in their minds and hearts and I may never look at them the same way gain.

The isolation was something that I feared would break me but with the comfort and care of friends and therapists I got through it. But I never want to go through that again.

I know each of us have our own stories.

We deserve to give ourselves permission to mourn each of those events.

 

11 years today

 

                                                           Always in my heart. ♥ Love never dies.                                                             

 

 

 

 

 

May 23, 2010

 

May 22, 2010

 

And so the anniversaries start...

 This evening 11 years ago.

Happy Mothers Day!

 Happy Mothers Day to all the women who mothered and nurtured me.

You are loved and so missed.

Happy Nurses Day!

 Happy Nurses Day to my favorite nurse.

♥

Happy birthday, John!

 I love you!

John's 35th birthday - the first one we celebrated together.

Happy Anniversary, Sweetheart!

 

This week has been bittersweet - filled with wonderful memories of happy days but sad because they can be no more.

Today is the anniversary of our Church wedding. We eloped in August 1981 and were married by a JP. We had a little party afterwards with a few friends. Then, a few years later my ex died and John got a church annulment and we had our marriage blessed in the Catholic church. We had a wonderful reception afterwards.

And death will never part us.

 

 

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Sweetheart!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, Sweetheart!

43 years ago today we had our first date – green beer and shamrocks.

I love you so much, John.