A Christmas message

I gift myself Christmas presents from John every year.  I know he didn't buy them, of course. But I like to think he would have if he were here. But even though I tell myself that, it's still not the same thing as getting something really from him.

But this year was different.

I met a dear friend for lunch a couple of days ago. And we exchanged Christmas presents. Hers to me touched my heart.

It was a Willow Tree figurine. I love them and have many. But I didn't have this one.

It's called Messenger and the note from the company says "Bringing comfort and love from afar". My friend said she felt especially inspired to buy this for me. I KNOW that was John. He sent me a real present from him this year.

Thank you. Thank you for my dear dear friend. Thank you for John's love. 

Namaste.

Merry Christmas!

 

 

I miss our Christmases.

Merry Christmas, Sweetheart!

♥

A message

I tend to ruminate a lot. Especially when I am driving. My mind goes non-stop between watching traffic and thinking through problems. I'm a worrier. It's my superpower.

Yesterday was no different. 

I was driving to a haircut appointment and also worrying about many things - some health issues, the upcoming house repairs, and so forth. 

Then, I noticed the car ahead of me and its license plate caught my eye.

I suppose it could have meant any number of things but I read it as Bunkie Love.

John always called me his Bunkie. He did that from the first day he moved in with me. And we always celebrated that day as one of our important anniversaries. He called it Bunkie Day.

I truly believe John was reaching out to me yesterday and telling me to stop worrying about things so much. He was also still calling me his Bunkie which I loved, and telling me that he still loved me. I love that too.

Thank you, John. Message received.

Namaste.

Our loved ones are always sending us messages - we have to listen

I haven't written here in some time but a couple of things happened recently that are noteworthy.

This past week I had 2 encounters that I think were sent by John.

Last weekend, there were guys staying at the VRBO next door. I was outside with Bella, in my bathrobe and trying to be inconspicuous. The guys [there were 3 of them] were on their deck watching the beautiful sunrise. Suddenly, one of them looked over and waved to me and yelled "Good morning, Babe!". A little inappropriate but funny. I waved back. Then I realized it was something John would have said to me. 

Then a few days later, I drove to the store in Scottsdale where I buy Bella's food. As I was getting out of the car a stranger, a guy, passed my car and said something to me I didn’t quite hear. I normally don’t interact with strangers, but I looked at him and he looked nice, with a big smile. Young. Good looking. Seemed harmless. So, I asked him what he had said. He told me I looked like “a strong, take-charge woman”. I thanked him. And then he just walked away. It was a strange thing for him to say but something I needed to hear. I had just come from the bank where I had arranged to move some money around to safeguard some investments. I was worried if I was doing the right thing.

Coincidentally, the CD I had purchased matures on John's birthday. 

I think I'm seeing a pattern here. Not all signs are huge. They're not all white feathers and heart-shaped stones. Sometimes, our loved ones inspire a person to say something to us that is just the thing we need to hear at just the right moment. 

So, I smiled a lot recently. I felt John with me. 

And I'm very very grateful.

Namaste.

Happy Anniversary, Sweetheart!

 

42 years ago today was the happiest day ever!

I know you are celebrating with me even though you are no longer physically here. Death only changes location. Love never dies. 

I love you, John. 

Communication

We just have to be open to hearing the message.

Case in point:

I have been having trouble sleeping lately. Getting to sleep is easy. Staying asleep, not so much. Last Saturday morning I woke up around 2:30 AM and instead of going back to sleep, I worried about a household problem. I thought I had come up with a solution but then I worried that maybe THAT was not what I should be doing. And so I started doubting my decision. Then I looked over at the bedroom door leading to our deck and noticed that the patio string lights were on. That was very strange. I hardly ever use them and I also always check to make sure all the deck lights are off  before I go to bed. Even more strange - the ONLY way to turn the patio string lights on is with a remote control. That remote was sitting in a cup, on a table, ON THE DECK.

I literally had to get up, go out on the deck, fish out the remote and turn the lights off.

I truly think John was telling me he agreed with my solution and that I should stop worrying and second guessing myself. There can be no other explanation.

Thank you, Sweetheart.

Namaste.

Missing you so much

13 years ago today you left for Heavenly Home. Some days, it feels like just yesterday.

I miss you so much, John.

But I know our love continues and I can't wait until we are together again.

♥

This is grief

 

Happy Mothers Day!

I am grateful for all the women who mothered me - my mother my own Mom, my godmother and aunt Aunt Mary, my grandmother Mema, and John's mother who I was lucky to call Mom, too.

Mema

This week would have been my Grandmother's 121st birthday. She left this world almost 2 decades ago but I still miss her.

We called her Mema. I take credit for christening her with that name. I was the first grandchild and my baby brain could not form Grandma. So she became Mema and it stuck for all eternity. All 6 grandchildren called her Mema.

She was a brave woman - she emigrated to this country by ship at the young age of 17. Married, worked most of her life as a great seamstress. She was ahead of her time. Her husband was very ill and hospitalized for many years before he died so she raised her children alone. She lived through 2 world wars, and the Great Depression. I never fully appreciated her when she was alive but I am proud that her blood runs through my veins. I have been told I resemble her, in more ways than one.

 

Happy Birthday, John!

Today would have been John's 80th birthday.

Happy birthday, Sweetheart.

Loving you so much.

Happy Church Wedding Anniversary, Sweetheart!

John and I eloped in 1981. On this date, in 1988, we were married in the Catholic Church.

It was a beautiful day.

Happy First Date Anninversary, Sweetheart!

 

45 years ago today, we had our first date. The first of many many wonderful days.

We drank green beer and painted shamrocks on our cheeks and put sparkles in the paint. To this day, one of the ways that John sends me a sign is to send me sparkles ♥

Happy Bunkie Day, Sweetheart!

 43 years ago today. ♥

John's clothes have left the building

It's taken me a while to be able to part with them, but today I donated most of John's clothes to a homeless shelter. I know some widows and widowers donate soon after their spouse has died but I just couldn't. I kept moving John's clothes further and further into the back of the closet but it took me years to be able to pack them up and decide to give them away. As I have said over and over, there is no timeline for grief and no hard and fast rules on when we "should" do anything.

It was very hard for me to part with those clothes. Not for any reason except that they were a tangible connection to John. But I know in my heart I don't need those things to be connected to him. I am always connected to him. Our love does that.

And I know John was happy and approving of what I did because on the way home I glanced over to the passenger seat in my car and saw 3 sparkles on the seat. John often sends me sparkles for various reasons. Today he was saying "Good job! Thank you."

Namaste.

 

Happy Valentine's Day, Sweetheart!

You will always be my Valentine.

I love you, now and forever.

Grief depletes your battery

I picked up my e-reader recently, intending to read a book I had just purchased and downloaded, only to see a notice when I opened it:

Your battery is very low. To continue using the device, please plug into a power source.

So I grabbed the power cord, plugged it in, and a few hours later I was back in business.

 

If only life were that simple.

 

Grief depletes our battery too. 

 

"...Consider this - the shock of grief is real - physically real. When this stress occurs, the hormone cortisol is released by the body. Cortisol is referred to as the “stress hormone”. It ramps up your body for protection – for early man, this was to fight off predators. Now you are fighting the predator of grief. So, your heart rate increases, your blood pressure goes up, your nervous system kicks into high gear. No wonder you feel so bad. If this goes on for a long period, as in prolonged intense grief, your body will start to show the effects – disrupted sleep patterns, poor appetite, irritability, fluctuating blood glucose levels, stress on inner organs and blood vessels, even a weakened immune system." *

 

But we don't get handy warning signs telling us to recharge our body, our mind, our heart.

Instead, we usually plod onward, our physical and emotional reserves getting lower and lower until we start manifesting symptoms of real trouble - heart attacks, GI upset, accidents, poor work performance, relationship issues - the list goes on and on.

What can we do?

First of all, recognize that grief will do this to you. It's not a sign of weakness. Grief is real. Its symptoms are real.

Then, take steps to help yourself.

 

Take a walk.

Exercise.

Meditate.

Join a support group.

Be with friends.

Be alone.

Cry.

Pet your cat.

See a therapist.

 

The point is to do whatever feels good to you so that you can recharge your personal battery. There is no right or wrong answer. And the answer will be different for each one of us because we are all different, experiencing this thing called grief in our own way.

Just recognize that this is happening, and you are not going crazy and it will get better. 

But in the meantime, don't let your battery run all the way down. The more you deplete it, the longer it will take to recharge. 

 

Namaste.

 

Excerpt from I Will Never Leave You; a soul mate’s promise by Joy Collins

Sean

Our sweet boy Sean went over the Rainbow Bridge this morning.

He had not been feeling well since right before New Year's and we were working him up for probable liver cancer. He passed suddenly during the night last night.

He was the sweetest baby and gave such good cuddles. He will be missed by his brothers Riley and Chaz and his sister Bella. And of course by me. My heart is broken.

Rest easy, sweet boy. We will be together again. In the meantime, cuddle with Daddy on the Other Side.

Sean Patrick Collins 2012 - 2023