Friday, June 10, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
No better
Well, I have passed the one year mark. That magical milestone that everyone references. Did it help?
No.
Did I expect it would?
No.
I don't feel any better, any different. If anything, the reality is sinking in more now and I feel worse.
I still can't believe that life has become this. This never-ending wish for John to come back. For this nightmare to be over. For my life to go back to the way it was. We were so happy, so content. And now, nothing.
There is absolutely nothing that makes me want to get out of bed in the morning. Nothing that interests me. Nothing that makes me look forward to anything.
I have tried.
I have plastered the walls with pictures of John.
It didn't help.
I have made a Memorial Garden for him.
It didn't help.
I am taking care of his mother.
It doesn't help.
I am seeing a therapist.
It doesn't help.
Nothing helps. Nothing makes it better.
I still miss him with every cell of my being. No matter what I do in the day, he is constantly on my mind and I am acutely aware that he is not here. And never will be again.
I don't know what to do any more. I suppose it is a failing of mine not to be better. Other women have gone through this and have gotten through this. I don't seem to be able to.
The future seems like one big yawning abyss.
No.
Did I expect it would?
No.
I don't feel any better, any different. If anything, the reality is sinking in more now and I feel worse.
I still can't believe that life has become this. This never-ending wish for John to come back. For this nightmare to be over. For my life to go back to the way it was. We were so happy, so content. And now, nothing.
There is absolutely nothing that makes me want to get out of bed in the morning. Nothing that interests me. Nothing that makes me look forward to anything.
I have tried.
I have plastered the walls with pictures of John.
It didn't help.
I have made a Memorial Garden for him.
It didn't help.
I am taking care of his mother.
It doesn't help.
I am seeing a therapist.
It doesn't help.
Nothing helps. Nothing makes it better.
I still miss him with every cell of my being. No matter what I do in the day, he is constantly on my mind and I am acutely aware that he is not here. And never will be again.
I don't know what to do any more. I suppose it is a failing of mine not to be better. Other women have gone through this and have gotten through this. I don't seem to be able to.
The future seems like one big yawning abyss.
Monday, May 30, 2011
My handsome Air Force soldier
 |
| John at about 18 in his Air Force uniform |
Today we celebrate Memorial Day and the service to our country of our men and women in the armed services. John was always so proud and happy when he talked about his time in the Air Force. I wish I had known him then. I wish I had known every single thing about him. Now all pictures and every crumb of information is precious.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Today
Today marks one year since my Love has been gone. I kept hearing about what a milestone it is and honestly, I was dreading it. I don't know what I was expecting. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I survived it. I guess that is something.
I wanted to honor John and what our life together means to me. I organized a small celebration of his life and had a Memorial with a few close friends. We attended a Mass this morning that was being said for him. I was OK until his name was mentioned in the intentions. It was very sad to hear that.
Then we went to breakfast altogether at the hotel that John and I loved. That was good.
After that we all came back to the house and prayed together and blessed and dedicated a Memorial Garden I had built in the backyard in John's honor.
I wanted to honor John and what our life together means to me. I organized a small celebration of his life and had a Memorial with a few close friends. We attended a Mass this morning that was being said for him. I was OK until his name was mentioned in the intentions. It was very sad to hear that.
Then we went to breakfast altogether at the hotel that John and I loved. That was good.
After that we all came back to the house and prayed together and blessed and dedicated a Memorial Garden I had built in the backyard in John's honor.
None of this will bring John back and I still miss him with all my heart. I still can't believe this has happened. I still feel like I am just going through the motions. Or this is some horrible bad dream that I can't wake up from.
I guess I thought that the one year mark would feel different. I think maybe it does to others. And that's OK. But John will always be uppermost in my thoughts and in my heart until I see him again. Nothing changes that.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
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