Dreams can be wonderful - waking up not so much

I fell asleep on the sofa this afternoon while reading and had a dream about John. In it, I needed to talk with him about something important. I remember feeling the urgency and asking him if we could talk. He said "Yes" and we should talk this evening. I remember feeling so relieved and looking forward to solving the problem.
And then I woke up and for a split second I felt so happy, so relieved and was actually looking forward to talking with him and solving the [dream] problem.
And then it hit me.
There was not going to be any talk and the problem wasn't the issue.
The problem was John isn't here.
John isn't here.
John isn't here.
The feeling of sadness and let down and pure utter loneliness when reality hit - I can't describe it.
I love dreaming about John. Even a crazy dream is time spent with him.
But oh how I miss him when I wake up.

20 years ago today

20 years ago this morning, John and I rolled into Fountain Hills, signed the mortgage on our house and moved into our home.

I can't believe it's been that long.

It was Labor Day week when we left. The movers arrived on Tuesday.

We left on Wednesday in our van - with our dog Willie, our 3 cats - Meow-Meow, Squeaker, and Smudge, and our parakeet Nikki that chirped for 2500 miles.

We stayed in Dayton, St Louis and Amarillo on the way.

We arrived in Flagstaff that Saturday.

We stayed in motels in Flag and Phoenix Sat/Sun and arrived in Fountain Hills on Monday morning.

Our furniture didn't arrive until Thursday so we camped out on the floor until then.

We spent a ton of money those first few days buying appliances and rugs and we enjoyed every minute of our new life. 

Moving to AZ was the best move we ever made. We never regretted it.

More Hello's

I went to Mass this morning. The couple behind me reminded me of John's parents, especially the gentleman. He sounded just like Dad. When I realized that, I actually had a pang of sorrow. I can’t say that I ever really knew John's father well but hearing someone sound so much like him made me sad and I missed him. I guess I also missed the times that all of us spent together too.
And then I looked up and watched in amazement as a man entered wearing a shirt just like the one I picked out for John to wear in his casket. And then another man was wearing another shirt similar to another one John has. And then as I walked up to Communion, the man next to me was wearing another shirt just like another one of John's. Were those all just coincidences or were they hello’s from John? I want to believe they were. It made me sad but it made me feel good too and closer to John.

Scanned more pictures today

I loved John's beard but occasionally he would get tired of it and shave it off. He still looked so handsome.

In our kitchen Lehman PA March 1989

At a bed and breakfast inn July 1989

Hello's from John

I asked John for a sign from him this week since this week is our anniversary.
He came through twice and I am blown away.
The first time  was on our anniversary day. I had scheduled a massage for that afternoon, and afterwards, when I got in my car, I turned on the power to the audio system. I "felt" that John wanted me to turn on the radio but before I could change the source to radio it synched to the bluetooth on my iPhone and "You Needed Me" started playing. "Our " song, our wedding song!
Then today I made a phone call to a friend about selling John's antique car parts. This friend knows someone who might be able to help me. But the friend wasn't available so I left a voice mail. I no sooner clicked off that phone call when my phone, for no apparent reason, started playing our wedding song again!
It just started playing all by itself.
It had to be John again.
I love you, John. Thank you.

Our wedding reception

John and I loved to tell the story of our wedding reception.

The place we had our celebration was a bar called Vispi's in Edwardsville PA.

That's where some of those pictures were taken that I posted.
It was kind of a gay bar but not - everyone went there - remember this was 1981.
It was a very nice upscale place but lots of red flocked wallpaper, sofas, stained glass, etc.
We were regulars there - the owner and staff knew us.
Anyway, that Spring the bar burned down. 
So they were in the process of rebuilding and opened back up the month we were getting married. We didn't know what we wanted to do for our wedding.

We were essentially eloping - we only made the decision to get married earlier that month. In fact we made the decision right in that bar.
We had about 20 friends we wanted to invite. Our parents knew nothing about all this until after we got married.
So we were at the bar the first week it opened - they hadn't had their Grand Opening yet and we were telling them about our upcoming marriage.

They told us if we had the reception there they would give us a good deal.
Did they ever!
They gave us hors d'oeuvres and open bar for two hours for $35!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Including a champagne toast!
They figured it was good advertising and the guests would linger afterwards, which they did.
And they gave us a lead on a guy who baked our wedding cake for $10. He was an ex-con who learned baking in jail [for manslaughter]. He sold cakes out of his house.
So our wedding reception cost us $45.
You can't make this up.

Happy Anniversary, Sweetheart!

32 years ago today, John and I eloped. We were married by a JP in a little courthouse in Wilkes Barre, PA and then had a small reception in our favorite hangout with a few friends. It was the most wonderful day.

Our Song