Today will always be Bunkie Day for me

Many years ago, on March 15, 1980 - 39 years ago! - John moved in with me and we started our life together in earnest.
He named the day Bunkie Day and we celebrated it every year.
That first day he made us lasagna to celebrate, complete with champagne and a rose.
Happy Bunkie Day, Sweetheart!
I miss you.
♥

A beautiful birthday with friends - with a secret birthday wish from John

Yesterday I celebrated my birthday with two special friends. We refer to each other as sisters of our heart - and we are. We have been through a lot with each other, sharing happiness and sadness and everything in between.
Every birthday, the person of honor gets to choose where to celebrate.
I love afternoon tea so I chose a place here in town that is lovely Crowning Glory Tea Room. It did not disappoint.
My birthday was actually last Friday but that's part of the excitement - celebrating all week.
Over the years since he's passed, John has managed to send me roses for my birthday via various means and friends. The form doesn't matter - they could be real roses or even pictures of roses. But he has come through for me. A few years I even asked for specific roses - pink - and he has done that too.
This year, I again asked for roses. And I threw in the request for pink ones again so I would know they were from him. And again, I said they could be in any form.
No pictures of pink roses arrived that day.
My friend who took me out to dinner that night did give me roses but they were yellow.
It was okay.
I told myself I was being greedy. I know John still loves me. Asking for a specific sign like that was probably going too far.
So fast forward to yesterday and afternoon tea with my ♥ sisters.
After we had some tea and delicious sandwiches we took a break and it was time for opening presents. And they were lovely and very thoughtful.
I am truly blessed.
I bought a new car last month and some of the presents were themed for that - an emergency blanket, an Alexa for the car [I'm a gadget nut], and a beautiful new license plate holder, among other great gifts.
The afternoon was perfect. I felt the love of my friends and I felt John with me too and I was happy.
But it wasn't until I was lying in bed last night that the absolute perfection of the day hit me.
John DID send me pink roses for my birthday.
Here is the license plate holder I received yesterday.

Thank you, Sweetheart.
I love you.
Namaste.

John still teaches me

I used to feel I was in John's shadow.
Not because he put me there.
In fact, he treated me in the exact opposite way - always bragging about me to others, telling me how proud he was of my accomplishments, and that he admired me.
Every day I knew I was loved and so lucky and blessed.
No, any feelings of inferiority were purely in my head, possibly a result of how I had been treated as a child. I worked at overcoming that and with John's help, both when he was here physically and even since he has passed, I am slowly learning to appreciate myself - finally.
Slowly, I feel I am coming into my own - even at the ripe old age of 71.
And one of the things I am learning is to slow down.
I often describe myself as a AAA type personality - type A on steroids. Never able to relax and enjoy anything. Always looking forward, often worrying.
John was the polar opposite. Secure. Patient. Happy with life as it was.
I wished so much to be like him.
His death stopped me in my tracks and forced me to recalibrate.
It's still a struggle for me. Every day I have to practice unclenching my jaw and breathing.
But I am definitely working on it.
I meditate now. That helps a lot.

And I have taken up photography.
And seeing the world through a camera lens really helps me to focus on life around me in a way I never expected.
I took a walk around my neighborhood yesterday, camera in hand. My goal was to take pictures of desert flowers. The Arizona desert is just starting to come into bloom and it never disappoints.
By the end of my walk I had several pictures I knew I would keep and add to my portfolio but I had something else too.
I had a sense of peace. I was able to see my world one second at a time and appreciate it instead of going full tilt and seeing it all as a blur.

Life is precious. Death teaches us that in ways we never wanted to learn.
But it's a valuable lesson.
I am looking forward to life beyond this one when I will be reunited with John.
But, in the meantime, this life is to be enjoyed and treasured too.
There is beauty here.
Namaste.

Happy Valentine's Day, Sweetheart!

I love you!

John's helping hand

Wow, it's been over a month since I have posted. I don't think I have ever gone this long. But I have not been feeling well.
I spent part of last Sunday night/Monday morning in the ER. I'm ok now. But I was pretty scared at the time.
The details aren't important now. All is well.
But I do have a John story attached to my ER adventure.
As all of that was going on and I was driving myself to the ER, I talked to John and asked him to be with me and help me.
Nothing unusual happened until I was having an ultrasound of my legs [they were thinking I had a blood clot - I didn't].
Anyway, somehow this nice woman who was performing the test and I started talking during the procedure and it turned out she had lived in the same part of PA that John and I did before we all moved to AZ.
At one point she lived just blocks away from us in Wilkes Barre! 
So I got to talk about so many familiar places with her as we reminisced which relaxed me.
And of course I got to mention John's name which always makes me feel better. 
I know he had a hand in that. 
Then the icing on the cake was when I found out that that night was her LAST night working there. I was one of her last patients. 
You know that was not just a coincidence.
Thank you, John. ♥

Living through the humbugs

It's been a while since I have posted on my blogs. I admit I have had a bad case of the holiday doldrums.
For those of us who are mourning the loss of a loved one - no matter how long ago the loss occurred - this time of year is especially hard.
No matter how much of a smile we put on our face and how much we immerse ourselves in the holiday cheer and activities, there is always a little part of us that is aware that someone is not here and they are not enjoying this season with us - or we with them.
I guess that's really the harder part. I like to think that they are able to be with us in some capacity and are still happy to be around us. It's we on this side of the veil who really feel their absence.
Yes, we get signs and we are very thankful for them.
But let's be honest - and I am by no means being ungrateful - a sign is not the same as hearing their laughter or feeling that hug or kiss.
So, it's hard.
And this year, for whatever reason, feels harder than the last few.
Maybe it's because this year in general has been difficult for me.
I have been dealing with a tough health challenge since January 3rd. First one thing, and then another.
I'm still going forward but there have been days when just being able to reach out and get one of John's hugs would have made everything else so much more bearable.
And then to top it off, I have a house challenge now as well. John was always the one who fixed everything. I never had to worry if something went wrong, or broke, or just refused to work.
Now - I need "a guy" for everything. And how do you know you have the right "guy"?
My sweetheart is doing his best to guide me because I truly believe he is still looking out for me and sending the right people to me at the right time.
But I still worry.
So, yes, I have the bah humbugs and maybe you do, too.
I'm not going to sit here and say I know a cure.
I don't.
But if this applies to you too, I can tell you that you are not alone.
And maybe that's all we can do right now. Just be there for each other.
And if you know someone who is struggling this time of year, reach out to them. No, they can't get a hug from their sweetheart.
But they can get one from you.
Or a phone call.
Or a recommendation for a guy to fix what's broken.
That's it. That's all I've got right now.
Namaste.

Don't let anyone besmirch your aura!

This saying makes me smile for two reasons - because it's true and because it reminds me of John.
Many years ago, he decided to take a year off from nursing and joined an MLM company selling ozone air purifiers. John has always been a very good salesman and we believed in the product and him.
As it turned out, the year's selling proved less than successful so he went back to being a nurse and was very happy. But not before having some interesting experiences.
One in particular stands out for me.
One afternoon John came home after spending about an hour at a woman's home trying to explain the advantage of our machines. John told me how she had one complaint after another, finding fault with everything he said. It soon became clear that John was not going to make a sale and why she had even agreed to the demo was beyond understanding.
John laughed as he told me how he finally reached his limit, stood up, and said to her "You are besmirching my aura! Sorry, but I have to go." and he left.
A little background - John and I had been on our spiritual journey for several years at that point - studying Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Gregg Braden, The Law of Attraction, etc. We were becoming quite comfortable with that aspect of our life.
So much so, apparently, that John felt his inner peace was not worth sitting and experiencing that particular woman's negative energy.
Good for him!
And that is the lesson.
Our inner peace is both important and valuable. Some people are just energy vampires and it's perfectly okay for us to protect ourselves from them. No matter who they are.
I remember another occasion when John and I were in a restaurant and we could just feel the uncomfortable energy emanating from the table next to us. The couple seated there were obviously not happy about something - more than likely with each other. Regardless, it was palpable and we changed our table and immediately felt better.
There is a woman in our local grocery store who is always scowling and complaining about something. I can't tolerate being anywhere near her and will change checkout lanes to avoid her.
Sometimes, you can't avoid the situation. Do the best you can in that instance by slowing your breathing. Concentrate on a good thought. Visualize drawing your energy sphere closer in to yourself so that you are not touching the other's negativity.
Just remember, it's okay to protect yourself.
Don't let anyone besmirch your aura!
Namaste.