33 months today

How I miss that smile.

Sadness knows no boundaries

Mindy McCready died over the weekend. This was her last song. She had a sad life and knew heartbreak all too well. A month ago her love died. This song expresses her heartache and the heartache of all of us who have lost someone dear to us. But while I can understand suicide and how close one can come to that choice, I know it is not the answer. At least not for me. I have to fulfill my soul's plan. And I know I will be with John again.

If we're really telling the truth
things don't look the way that they used to
this conversation's long overdue
cause I can't look in through
cause we're all I knew

I was your sunlight, but now I’m just a shade
I was your blue sky, Now I’m just the rain
I was your favorite song, but Now I’m overplayed
If tomorrow’s gonna be the same
I’ll see you yesterday.
I’ll see you yesterday.

Let’s get lost in our memories
That’s the safest place we can be
If this is the end of our story,
I don’t wanna read it, I just wanna keep it, well.

I was your sunlight, but Now I’m just a shade
I was your blue sky, Now I’m just the rain
I was your favorite song, but Now I’m overplayed
If tomorrow’s gonna be the same
I’ll see you yesterday

I'll see you in my dreams
and in every single moment you meant something to me
Just like the photographs
I'd keep the very best
cause baby that's the way I will remember it

I was your sunlight, Now I’m just a shade
I was your blue sky, Now I’m just the rain
I was your favorite song, Now I’m overplayed
If tomorrow’s gonna be the same
Since tomorrow's gonna be the same
I’ll see you yesterday.
I’ll see you yesterday.

Happy Valentine's Day, John!

I love you and miss you so much.
Today is just a day without you.

John and I always loved to celebrateValentine's Day.

The start of a transition

I have felt a subtle shift in my perspective. Gradually I have been thinking more about future plans, accepting that I am going to be here for a while without John.
I know that accepting this doesn't mean that I am betraying John or that I am okay with his being gone from me physically. I know that and I know John knows that. I also know that he wants me to be the wife he knows and loves, the woman he admired. So, I am going to be that person again. John always told me how proud he was of my accomplishments, how he thought I was able to do so much. It wouldn't be right to let him [or myself] down now.
In a way, this makes me feel good. It gives me a purpose. To be the best I can be, for myself, for John.

Today was supposed to be a happy day, a day to remember

Tomorrow I am officially on Medicare. That might not seem like much but John worked beyond the age of 65 for two reasons. He liked to work and be around people and since I was on his insurance plan, he needed to work until I became eligible for Medicare. When that happened, he was going to retire.
That would have happened this year.
In March I turn 65 and tomorrow I am on Medicare. So John could have retired as of tomorrow. John would have been 70 years old this year. We had hoped to have lots of time together. But that didn't happen.
What was supposed to be a happy day, a day we would have enjoyed, maybe even laughed about is, instead, a day that reminds me that things don't always turn out the way you plan.
And tomorrow is a day I will celebrate without John physically here with me.

32 Months

Today marks 32 months and I am not sure what that means except that I am acutely aware that the 3 year anniversary of John's passing is getting closer.
I know I will want to commemorate it in some way. And I think I know how.
The first year I had a Memorial Service and we dedicated John's Memory Garden.

The second year I had a Memory quilt made from some of John's shirts.

This year I have raised some money and donated it to the Arizona Humane Society and they are going to purchase an anesthesia machine for their Second Chance Hospital. In addition, they are having a plaque made to commemorate the gift and it will be placed outside the entrance to the hospital. They have told me when it is ready I can have a dedication ceremony when it is placed.
I think John would be pleased. He loved our animals. He loved all animals and this will be a fitting way to honor that.
But I still miss him every day and I feel so lost without him. I know he doesn't want that for me.
I feel him with me. I just need to figure out what to do with the rest of my life until we are back together again.

Today - I felt you with me

My Love,

I saw the movie Les Miserables today with a friend. It was great.

I remember how that was our favorite play and how we saw it three times, and we were moved each time.

Did you watch it with me?

Were you with me today?

Then my friend and I went to Denny’s for dessert.

And we talked about you.

Were you with me?

Then I met a couple of friends for dinner.

And I heard Our Song play over the sound system.

Were you with me?

I talked a lot about you today and it felt good.

I felt you with me.

I felt you love me.

I love you, too, John.