Every movie about love that I see reminds me of what John and I had and what I miss so much.
This song is from a movie called Chances Are. It's a movie about reincarnation and love.
I don't think it was an accident that I turned on the TV tonight and the end of that movie was playing and then this song came on. I take it as a sign, a message.
Of hope and love.
I have saved every single card that John and I ever gave each other.
Every. Single. One.
At the time I was doing it I thought maybe I was being a little weird. In the beginning I saved the envelopes too but when the amount of paper got to be ginormous, I compromised by tossing the envelopes.
Maybe my soul and heart knew that some day these cards would be so precious to me.
Because they are.
I'm so glad I have them. They are tangible reminders of how much we loved and love each other.
How much John cherished our life together.
How lucky I was.
And still am.
When I need to feel him near me, I grab a few and read them. It's sad but it's also good.
Recently, I gathered them all together because I had saved them in various places around the house.
They filled two large bins.
Two large bins filled with love.
I just learned this morning that the stepson of a Facebook group friend was killed in a motorcycle accident. Everyone in the group is obviously upset and hurting for this woman and posting notes of sympathy.
One particular note got to me. Not because it was heartfelt or especially poetic.
No, it got to me because it actually made me annoyed, at the very least. And angry, if I am being honest.
This woman wrote "there is no greater loss" referencing the fact that the person lost was a son. To be honest, this woman was personalizing the tragedy because just a few years ago she too lost her son suddenly and unexpectedly to an unknown underlying medical condition.
So on some level, I know and understand where she is coming from.
But my concern goes deeper than that.
I am upset because in that one sentence, meant to commiserate, I felt she demeaned everyone else who is grieving the loss of someone who is not a child [no matter the age].
I have heard it said often that there is no loss greater or worse than losing a child.
I don't know what that means. I have never had a child so I will never know that kind of bond. I imagine that loss to be terrible and tragic and horrible and any other word you can use to describe that kind of immense pain.
But this is not a contest.
And to say that one loss is greater than another is false.
I have known people who have never recovered after losing a parent.
I have known people who have been devastated by the loss of their pet.
Is the loss of a sibling to be considered no big deal?
What about a dear friend?
A cherished uncle?
Loss to death is tragic and sad and horrible in all its permutations.
Losing my husband, my soul mate, my best friend John is something I will never recover from. I will go on but I will also be defined from here on out by what that loss means to me.
To me, there is no greater loss.
As I am sure anyone else feels they are forever changed by the loss they experienced, no matter what "kind" of loss it was.
I am sad for anyone who has lost a loved one to death. I know how much that can hurt.
But I don't pretend to know what that particular loss feels like to that person because I am not them and I did not experience that particular relationship.
Every loss is different and every loss is important and every loss is sad.
My job - our job - is to be there for the person who is grieving.
Not to judge.
Not to compare.
Not to quantify.
Just be.
And to offer love and support.
34 years ago today I married my best friend, the true mate to my soul, the man who completed my thoughts and my life. I love you, John - then, now, and always.
I may have posted this before but if I did, it bears repeating.
People often try to pigeon-hole those who are grieving into the so-called stages put out by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying. What they don't understand is that the
Kubler-Ross stages of grief really apply to the person who
is dying rather than the person who is grieving. I resented it when
people tried to categorize me into a "stage" after John passed.
One "friend" even said "Oh, good, you're angry, that means you're
getting better." Better? Was she kidding? The only person I was angry
with was her for saying such a stupid thing. Sadness and gut-wrenching
sadness seemed to be my most common feelings those first couple of
years. Everyone grieves in their own way, in their own time. There is no right or wrong way and the biggest disservice we can do to anyone who is grieving is to hurry them along under the guise that we are helping. Usually when people do that it is because they themselves are uncomfortable with grief and don't know what to do for someone who is grieving. Making the other person back to how they were before their loss is usually their goal. What they don't understand is that you don't go back to that person. Ever. A part of you dies, too, when the love of your life has died. You will never be the same again. That does not mean you will not have a meaningful life. It does mean that life will be different, though. You are different. You see life differently. You now have new goals and new thoughts. It is not necessarily a bad thing but you have to accept that life as you knew it is over. Now it's a different life. You go forward after the death, you don't don't "get over" the death. And you take your Love with you. John and I are still mated. But it is different now. He shows me in many ways that he is still with me. He still loves me. His passing has made me re-evaluate many things. I have also learned a lot and taken on projects I would not have done were he still here. His passing has made me stronger - and more vulnerable. His passing has helped me put many things into a new perspective. I have grown in ways I never imagined. I can do this. I will do this. And I look forward to being with him again.
I can't believe I have not blogged in so long. A lot has happened in the past few weeks and perhaps that is why I have been reluctant to post. It wasn't all bad although some was upsetting.
I was involved in a car accident on August 6 [rear-ended at a red light] and my car was badly damaged.
But all is on the way to mending now, including me.
Then I had company for a week but that was a fun distraction.
But now it is time to get back down to business.
Today I want to talk about the soul portrait I had done of John.
Last year you might remember I had one done of me.
So, I contacted the artist, sent her a couple of pictures of John and soon I had a portrait of what she saw as John as an eternal soul.
Aside from the fact that John looks a little like Captain Picard from Star Trek, I find the portrait very interesting. John appears to me to be very wise and peaceful. The reading confirmed John as a loving healer and that he is still very much with me and that we are continuing our relationship together.
Everything in the picture has symbolic meaning and I find it very comforting.
